+hasn't felt like this before, hasn't felt like home before.... you.

when you wake up refreshed on a Saturday and you're covered in warm, heavy blankets. you've slept enough. you don't have any plans for the day. you turn on your stereo to find that you've left a lovely mix of instrumental music - complex enough to hold your attention, yet calm enough that you close your eyes again and just revel in the fact that life is beautiful.

that is how a conversation made me feel the other day.
i felt that same warmth and happiness when i woke up.
and now it's another day later and i'm still feeling the power of it all.
i don't know why or how i am allowed to feel this.
or why i haven't realized all of this before.

boring, ineloquent post. or should we say.... update?

+lying on pillows we're haunted and half awake

i am sitting in frothy monkey. at the table across from me sits chris rice. he is eating breakfast with a friend and they are busy discussing the direction of the christian music industry. and he is offering insight that is much more down to earth than i would have ever expected. it's strange to think i listened to chris rice for most of my middle and high school and never once considered the man behind the music. or the fact that he is sitting in blue jeans and t-shirt on a Sunday morning in a little coffee shop on 12th avenue. or that no one is treating him like a celebrity. thank you, Nashville for having respect for musicians. and treating them like human beings.

+nothing short of thankful, nothing's gonna change my mind, i'm travelin' a different highway

yikes! i almost forgot to send out a big thanks to everyone who made my 21st birthday so special! God has blessed me with people i do not feel i deserve. they love me for who i am and that's so rare and beautiful. sometimes i hate thank-yous. mostly because i know as a human i do not have words that can fully express my emotions. but yes. gratitude and appreciation, and a healthy dose of never for a second taking these people for granted. a constant observation of exceeding my expectations and filling me up, building me up, and making me a better person.

+for once i want to be the car crash - not always just the traffic jam

i guess it just goes to show you that occaisonally, life gets great and stays great, and instead of getting scared, this time i'm excited about it and i'm going to move forward. no more of this "when is something going to go wrong" mentality. nope.

i feel like i finally know who my friends are. i finally know who i am (mostly).
and i'm ready to go deeper with Christ again.
for so long i have been afraid of what that might do.
i have been afraid that if i fully love Him, i might be required to do something.
i think i'm ready for that, finally.

i love crisp, cool, fall days like today and yesterday and wish they cold last. but i guess if they did i wouldn't savor them like i do. in just a few weeks the trees will turn beautifully warm colors and the leaves will fall. autumn is by far my favorite season and i could write volumes of novels on just my emotions when it finally arrives each year.

so, here's a toast to life lately. here's to being 20 for one last day. and here's to settling into this semester and settling into the unknowns of the future. cheers :)

+always turning your back on the crowd

you're so red in the eyes
either too low or too high
when i met you, you were sick
but you did not know way
i was a pretty poor cure
but my love for you was always sure
the bucket was broken
but the water was pure
tell me i got here at the right time
if i did it's probably the first time
no second guesses or secret signs
tell me i got here at the right time

+and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind

at work, i have the office that also has the copy machine, filing cabinets, and coffee maker. yes, i am an intern. but something about the coffee being made and walking into that smell every morning makes me smile.

thank you, coffee beans, for smelling so good when you're ground and boiled in water!

+i'm living for the only thing i know - i'm running and not quite sure where to go

have you ever woken up with a pit in your stomach and thought if you had done your whole life differently that you might be a more fulfilled human being? i pray to God that i am not settling. lately i feel like i am. i know how to be good at what i do. i know how to be consistent and loyal and to think of little things to do. i know how to accomplish my school work and i know how to be an effective member of an organization. but sometimes i just get really tired of giving and oh no here i admit it, need someone to reciprocate....and then some.

reciprocating is synonymous with paying back. i don't want to be paid back.
i did that for you because i love you.
i want you to do something different. love me better than i love you.
or at least differently.
love me enough to think of me.
love me enough to spend your free time thinking of how to surprise me.

occasionally.

i'm not demanding.

just disappointed, tired, and stepping back. that's all.
i care more. i always have. and it looks like i always will.

+well i'm not a child, no i'm much younger than that.

Itemized Cons of Losing Things:
ID Card: couldn't get into my building, or get into my hallway, or eat any meals, or get into the 12th avenue entrance gate, or receive convo credit, or work-out in the gym, or check-in to another dorm.

My keys: drive anywhere, lock my room, get into the TK desk area, get into the lockbox, get a discount at harris teeter, or get a library book out from the library.

Cell Phone: make calls, use my phone as my alarm clock, know the time, send text messages, or be contacted or make contact.

Essentially, these three things I always have. However, I learned how to make do without each. I had my friends get me into my building, pay for my meals (or bought them with real money), didn't use the 12th avenue entrance, didn't go to convos, worked-out outside, didn't need to check-in. I had my friends drive me, didn't lock my door, never worked the desk when I needed to open it, didn't go to harris teeter, and did not go to the library. I also just was around enough to not need to call anyone, I have a real alarm clock, and clocks are plentiful around campus. My computer kept me in touch.

All of this ridiculously extra detail to say this: as necessary and important as things are, we are capable of figuring out ways to "make-it-work"... everyone is innovative and thinks of ways to make any situation work.

Isn't that reassuring and simplistically obvious?
And don't worry, I eventually found everything. Hooray.

+i'll send you the news from the house down the road, from real love

If I am lost for a day, try to find me. But, if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me. All of the things that I thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day. December is darkest and June is the light, but this empty bedroom won't make anything right. While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home who waits for me up all through the night. Calendar girl - who's in love with the world - stay alive. Calendar girl - who's in love with the world - stay alive. I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do. And when I awoke I was sure it was true. I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky and said whoever is up there please don't let me die. But I can't live forever, I can't always be. One day I"ll be sand on a beach by a sea. The pages keep turning I'll mark off each day with a cross and I'll laugh about all that we've lost. Calendar girl who is lost to the world -- stay alive. Calendar girl who is lost to the world - stay alive. January, February, March, April, May, I'm alive. June, July, August, September, October, I'm alive. November, December, you all through the winter, I'm alive, I'm alive.

+i am a writer, writer of fictions. i am the heart that you call home

another collage. melissa-leigh gore, you got quoted. so did you t-payne. be excited. i like your thoughts :) i did this one while watching good will hunting, so that plot will probably be irreversably intertwined with this for me, but it means a lot to me, and that's all i can really ask for. thank you God for art.

dear my sweetest Jesus, i don't know how to say this correctly-just a simple plea to give me new eyes. eyes that look on with love and not contempt. my eyes easily see the criticisms and rarely give the benefit of the doubt. i have a rational thinking brain which keeps me in check, but oh, Lord, if you gave me eyes that looks first with love, how differently would i live. thank you for allowing Devon to challenge me in knowing you better Lord. in understanding how to rely on you even more through days that are long and tiring. that's all, God. just a thank you for all that you are. cliche. but definately not meaningless.