+wandering the gray memorial park, a fleeting beating of hearts

We were up to something today. A fun surprise, to be exact. The icing on the cake? It snowed. Aren't you so curious!? One month...

+joy to the many, joy to the few, and joy to you baby, and joy to me too

I feel like I'm attempting to write a Parenthood episode, the last five minutes of any episode (to be exact). I just can't describe fully the feeling of unconditional love and learning what it's like to be immersed in it. If the wedding is going to feel this good, then I should just go ahead and prepare myself for that feeling your face gets when you smile constantly for too long... that good worn out feeling of happiness. The more I focus my attention on the people that are going to be at our day, the more I get giddy and (admittedly) unstoppably giggly I get.

I get it now, you crazy brides, you. Spending cold nights in with the fiancé, dancing in the living room to the reception playlist, practicing the first kiss with the sparkly heels on, and realizing that you have a new family to sit around and play board games with and to drink fruity cocktails with on fake Christmas Eve... it's all worth the mess of money and drama and details and stress, isn't it?

"Joy to the city, joy to the streets, and joy to you baby, wherever you sleep... tonight, tonight, tonight." -Josh Ritter

+on lessons only being engaged has been able to teach me

Dear Self,

If I could teach you one thing, it would be that you need to accept the love that others are willing to give. You are not above that need. You cannot do it on your own. Repeat, and listen, and don't gloss over that sentence. I will say it again - you cannot do it on your own. Yep, you're right, it is easier. Easier because no one has to feel bad that you cry yourself to sleep or that you feel helpless or distressed. But it is also harder, isn't it? And even though everyone thinks you are put together, what is the benefit of that? You hate it when people aren't genuine... and then that's the very thing you turn around and do? If I could teach you one thing, it's that you're worth loving.

Different people struggle with different lessons. Yours just happens to be letting other people love you. Letting others lessen your load. Letting them enjoy their life by serving you from time to time. And you know you're not a martyr, and you know you're not all that humble. You just like doing things alone. You like your kitchen clean and your bed made. And you have hashed out and re-hashed out how introverted you are, but the irony is that you work best in community. So you are only hurting yourself by giving others a way out and pushing them away. It's not that you do not like them, you just do not like the idea of making them work for you or on something only you care about. But you have got to learn that they want to, that they need to, that you have got to participate in the reciprocity cycle that is called... life. Give a little, get a little, and enjoy the moments that make relationships worth it.

You deeply feel this about all people you interact with... you know they are worth your time, your affection, your care, and your love. So start believing it about yourself.

If what it takes for you to understand is your fiance writing it on your bathroom mirror, then so be it. Read it daily, read it often: you are worth loving.

+and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

A couple of weeks ago at church, my friend Tim gave the message. He referenced a book called The Road Trip That Changed the World by Mark Sayers. The excerpt that he used captured my attention - you know those authors who are able to speak images into words that you just can't ignore? Sayers is that sort of author for me. The excerpt:

"The expanse of highway rolls out before us offering the tantalizing possibility of freedom. The horizon invites us forward, its hidden promise urging us to accelerate into the future. Behind us our pasts and our pains mingle with the exhaust fumes and evaporate into the cooling night air. Ahead the taillights bleed into streaks of color. The telephone poles beat out a rhythm, and almost unconsciously our foot presses the accelorator closer to the floor.

As the speedometer inches higher the act of driving becomes visceral. Flesh and metal become one, the automobile an extension of ourselves, a speeding incarnation of our wills. Yet the thrill of speed and the romance of the open road before us cannot mask the truth that we are lost. We have no map; out here there is no cell phone coverage. The robotic, manufactued voice of the GPS fell silent long ago. All we know is that we don't want to be where we have come from, and we are not sure where we are going. So for now, our home is the road."

So I got the book for my Kindle, not realizing that the content of the book would make my mind-wheels start to turn more than many writing have recently. I highlighted a couple of excerpts and have been discussing it at length with Devon. My first thoughts...

This made me do some self-auditing. Don't I do this? I deserve happiness and a fulfilling job and perfect relationships and gosh, if those things don't happen for me in my timing, don't I tend to initially feel that God is distant? That my faith isn't all that important? Why can't I simply remember that I was not created for this world and my reward and fulfillment will be ten-fold better for eternity rather than for today?

This. Doesn't it make sense? I know for me and my working with college students it's sincerely sad. The way we go about advertising, programming, providing services... we think entertainment and self-actualization. We preach "this will be fun!" "this will serve you in your journey and your career path" "you." "you..." "you!" What if we said "this will be something you must commit a part of yourself to!" or "by pouring your time into this, your reward will be to help a friend! (and you won't get food, money, or a line on your resume!" Sure, we'd get some great students who would buy into it, but the majority of students? No way! They've lived 18-24 years being entertained and told they need to do what is best for them. Oh, who knew it was a cultural shift. 

It is always wise to leave. To enter places that are foreign and uncomfortable. If for no other reason than to realize what we really believe.

Thoughts.