+gonna take my cares, gonna carry my cares away

I went to a professional development day today for my job, and one of the sessions I chose to attend was one on the possibility of starting a staff-writing guild - to write about what we want, to write about our profession, to... simply... write. It was neat to talk, cross-generationally, about what writing means to us, why we want to write, why we would write together, why we would sharpen one another.

We did a writing exercise together. I felt empowered. I felt like I fit in. I should have taken a writing class at Belmont. Why did I not realize how awe-inspiring writing, whether that be technical, or blogging, or journaling, or for school could be until now?

Reading and writing for a living? Yes. And then talks over coffee. Looks like someone (it's me!) wants to stay in college forever.

+roll away your stone, i'll roll away mine, together we can see what we can find

I woke up this morning to this..

So I'm thankful I bought this...

 So that I can avoid that first picture and read these...

 

And these (notice the techonological savvy... that's right folks, an e-book textbook...)

 

Happy Snow Day! And Happy 6 month anniversary to Me & The State of Kansas!

+and i hope by thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home

"Somewhere we know that without silence, words lose their meaning. That without listening, speaking no longer heals. That without distance, closeness cannot cure" -Henri Nouwen

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.... and more impatient. I am enjoying the busyness that comes with being back to being an employee and student and friend, but with Devon working a church retreat this week and me being busy with transitioning, there is that achey feeling that settles in of just wishing to be back to the way things were in Nashville. Long walks, car drives, meals, hours...time... just time with one another. It is all gone when you decide to move across the country. Oh, the moments we wish to speed past... they're the ones we always want back.

+we've already met, but let's meet again

I lied about that blog post about my New Years Resolution.
I have a couple. And they aren't just that vague.

One of them is to always answer my phone, whenever it rings. I have gotten into this habit during college and after of "screening" my phone calls. Waiting until I get that voicemail or text message to hear what it is about and "if I want to deal with it." Of course, this is not true if it was a parent, or my boss, or one of my staff members, or Devon. But generally speaking, it was true.

I also was really bad about checking my voicemails. I had this idea that people could run on my time schedule if I could control my phone calls in the way.

Wrong.

So the last couple of years there has always been a bullet point on the resolutions list that says "Always listen to your voicemail." And in the past couple of years? I have not been really that good about it. So this year, I thought... how about make a resolution to always answer the phone? Novel. I know. So I have been doing this... even if I cannot talk, I'll answer and say why I cannot talk. Then there really is not a voicemail. And when there is a voicemail, I can call that person back and say why I really did not answer... not some fib about why I decided to screen their phone call like a control freak.

So as weird as that may sound, one of my top resolutions for the year is to answer my phone. All the time. Not when it's convenient and not when I feel like controlling the world. As if that is even possible. Cheers!

+thin blue flame

I promise this will be my last blog post of lyrics posting, just enjoying having time to listen. Oh and dear dear Josh Ritter writes a good song.

"And the weddings in pollen and the wine bottomless
And all wrongs forgotten and all vengeance made right
The suffering verbs put to sleep in the night
The future descending like a bright chandelier
and the world just beginning and the guests in good cheer...

...I woke beneath a clear blue sky
The sun a shout the breeze a sigh
My old hometown and the streets I knew
Were wrapped up in a royal blue
I heard my friends laughing out across the fields...

...I wondered what it was I'd been looking for up above
Heaven is so big there ain't no need to look up
So I stopped looking for royal cities in the air
Only a full house gonna have a prayer."

+i wish you out of the woods

"I'm holding my heart out by clutching it too,

feeling this sort of a love that we once knew.

I'm calling this home when it's not even close,

Playing the role with nerves left exposed.

We get distracted by the dreams of our own,

but nobody's happy while feeling alone.

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall,

we lean another ladder against the wrong wall.

And climb high to the highest rung to shake fists at the sky.

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why.

With so much deception, it's hard not to wander away.

It's hard not to wander away."

-Nickel Creek, Reasons Why

+no currencies at all, we're gonna live on our wits

Beds.

Since last Tuesday I have been on the road and as such have been at the mercy of my friend's as to my sleeping locations. I pride myself on not being picky when it comes to beds. Give me a blanket and a pillow and that is all I really want or need. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a comfy, warm, inviting bed to sleep in, but as long as there is sleep, that is enough.

So let's analyze my beds from the week past. First of all, Kelly's country home. A bed to sleep in with her. She has a comfy big bed with classic barbie sheets and homemade quilts. Tons of pillows. Kelly's is of the warm inviting big bed variety. Besides the natural fear of kicking her in my sleep, it was a lovely Tennessean retreat. Next stop? The apartment of Devon and his roommates. Graciously, Devon abdicates his bed for me when I visit. Jersey sheets. Man colors, but comfy with tons of blankets - the kind that are heavy and weighty and make you just drift off into sleep easily. And then the best part of the break? The bed I get to sleep in at the Neisen's house. The most glorious big comfy bed that exists in the world in the room that used to be Devon's growing up. He has to move to his sisters old room and I get the cushiony, sinking into sleep in the most dreamy of way bed (I feel spoiled). It's the kind of bed that when you wake up you are frustrated that a whole night has gone bed, and you certainly don't want to get up! Once I was pried away, it was on to the apartment of Kindall. As sick as I felt I would have been happy to collapse under my weight and sleep on her precious hardwood floor or classic kitchen, but was instead given her roommate's bed to rest my sleepy head. The bed was perfectly comfortable and warm, but the best part of the bed? The view! The apartment is older and I love the way that old apartments have non-traditional layouts, uneven door frames, and rooms that are too big to be true or hidden or too tall or too short. So I laid there, my last escapade on my road trip of make-shift beds and thought how nice it would be to be in my own bed.

But then, that's the enigma of it all, isn't it? What is MY bed? The bed at my house has changed since I left for college and now graduate school. It has different sheets, different pillows, it is not a familiar feel. Not a bad one, but just not something I'd call mine. The bed I have at school is more so my bed, but it is still not quite there. It is a university issued full sized bed without a box spring. It's pretty thin, but let's be honest, after hours and hours of work and class? A piece of wood would feel like heaven. So what is a home bed? What is the bed that I dream of coming home to? The one that is comfier than any other and that I can call my own? Well, I guess it is like most things in my life right now, it's undetermined. I don't really have an apartment or home or a pet or a constant much of anything tangibly in my life. But I do have this constant sense of feeling loved by friends. The sharing of beds.

Even before my little roadtrip I stayed at my sister and brother-in-law's and slept on their oversized fabulous couch. This past summer? Sarah's couch, my other sister and brother-in-law's couch, a Disney hotel room all to myself, and two different Colorado friend's - an air mattress and a bed shared with LJ. I rang in 2010 in a pull out bed at my Grandma's in Philadelphia. I had my home bed in Tennessee, Alabama and Kansas this past year. I am sure anyone can sit down and list all the places they have been given to sleep besides their bed at what they consider their home and think how strange it is that something so constant and so routine in our lives could vary so much within the course of a year.

So I don't have the answer to this question. But. I am laying here in my Birmingham bed in the room that was mine growing up. I just got a confirmation email from my sister and brother in law that they shipped a new mattress pad to my apartment in Kansas. My parents got me a down comforter for that bed last summer. I have shared that bed with my Mom and with good friends. And maybe I am ready to make that my home bed. The bed that I can't wait to go home to. Does this have implications about how I am transitioning into adulthood? Probably. Does this whole post have implications about my strange way of thinking? Probably. I just couldn't get it out of my mind and needed to write it somewhere.

+a movie script ending

Only New Years Resolution: To believe the old saying that if it looks too good to be true or sounds too good to be true, then it is wise to stay as far as humanly possible away from it.

+for all time

"I roll the window down and then begin to breathe in,
The darkest county road, and the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Do they collide? I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash the world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride,
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time. For all time."