+but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Tomorrow at this time, I will know just how good/bad I have done on my senior thesis.

Oh my goodness.
What a crazy statement.
Less than 24 hours.

...current goal: Breathe.

+how could we ask for more?

I forget that time changes not only me but everyone around me too. And that things are never the same. I thought I already learned this lesson, but is seems like I'm going to have to learn it over and over again in my life.

Friends that connected so well with me suddenly fade into people I never would have gotten to know. Instead, I find it like groping in the dark for even conversation. And that saddens me, because there was so much potential.

Devon and I have talked about the word potential so many times and how damaging it can be. 'Potential'.... you have potential, she or he hold a great amount of potential -- so what happens when we don't live up to what someone thought we would be? How about the pressure that puts on a friendship? What about the failure to follow through? So many expectations.

"God, that was strange to see you again, introduced by a friend of a friend - smiled and said yes I think we've met before... i'll write you a postcard, i'll send you the news from the house down the road, from real love. Live though this and you won't look back...There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave - you were what I wanted, I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save."

+so keep your hands wide open, if you need anything

When I made up my mind and my heart along with that, to love not for myself, but yet for God somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"... Things I ask myself. I ask myself.

Keep you hands wide open. Let the sun shine through.
Cause you can never lose a thing if it belongs to you.

+but don't forget who's takin you home and in whose arms you're gonna be

Kindall and I ventured up to New Albany, Indiana yesterday to watch our friends Jim Nally and Amanda Becht become Mr. and Mrs. Jim Nally. It was a beautiful wedding and it was so much fun to be a part of it.

I think that somewhere between crying during the ceremony, target shopping/wrapping, six hours of 80's, 90's and other upbeat songs, hanging with Kindall, and forgetting that the Eastern time zone is an hour ahead of the Central time zone, I realized that we're all growing up and it's a lot of fun.

Congratulations, Jim and Amanda!!!

+gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands

In two weeks from today it will be dead day.
How to get from here to there is a puzzle.

However, free ice cream with Devon helped yesterday. Erin and Kindall's plotting of the summer has made me warm and fuzzy (all beginning with a lovely concert, of course), and a drive to Indiana this weekend for a wedding of two awesome people this weekend.

I am so happy people know how to encourage me. It doesn't take much, but gosh friends really pull through in the moments you need them most. Or so I am learning. And accepting.

Happiest of Wednesdays.

+cause i would try to escape you, but for every day i'm sure that you're on the huge side of big

"Okay, hear what I say, as I raise my hands and surrender today. Okay, here I will stay. Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way." (The Waiting) <--way old school

Floored. That's what I am. And all I can keep repeating in my head "Okay, Lord, I give it up for the last time, the fight's just not worth it, anymore." I am seriously nothing. And am so blessed.

"Hands in the air singing Thy will be done. Have Thine own way."

+and the soles of your shoes are all worn down

My body has officially decided to break down the moment/weekend I needed to use it the most. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to re-align my priorities, but I feel like finishing up a BURS presentation, 2 large papers and other random homework is a good priority.

I am just praying for some physical strength. A lot of it, actually.

The annual Greek Sing competition was fantastic last night, however.
Great job to ΦKT for their 3rd year in 1st place.
I am still so proud of AΣT for everything this week!!

+in sixty-nine i was twenty-one and i called the road my own

These coming weeks are stressful, but there are always things to keep me sane. Proverbs offers wisdom that i really need right now. Friends are everywhere. I am about to book my flight. Colorado here I come! 31 days til summer begins.

+do you know what you are getting yourself into

Back in Nashville. Back into the swing of things. It was a lovely, quick break. I hope Sharon and Henry don't mind me posting some pictures of their new apartment, but I love it and wanted to share it. I am so excited for them! Also, today is my dear friend Taylor's 21st birthday! Happy Monday to all!

+on holy week, spiritual warfare, and psalm 30:5

This week has been something for me.
I have feared and stood in awe of this week since lent began back in February.

Holy Week. Each day holds such significance. How do you stay in a remembering state of mind all day long? Was it easier back then when everyone observed this time of remembrance? Probably. However, it is has been interesting to recount the story - play by play of the last supper, the praying in Gethsemane, Judas' betrayal with a kiss, the trial Jesus was put on, and all the Golgotha holds--the beatings, the crown, the carrying of the cross, the nails, the blood, the weeping, the mocking, the laughter, the darkness, the curtain being torn, the tomb, everything.

I have never had days like this before - where nothing else matters. Relationships are awesome and I appreciate them a great deal. However, I am so unworthy. All that matters in this life is knowing this huge sacrifice that God made - His son. His very own. Part of himself. He allowed His Jesus to become a human. Everything I've heard so many times before, but it is all so relevant.

Anyway, this all hasn't been so easy.
Spiritual warfare has been a huge chunk of the time.
From laziness, to lack of motivation, to wanting to deny my own sinful feelings, to becoming apathetic, not able to relate, or to stop reaching out. It's been easy to judge other Christians for their lack of caring about this time of remembrance and it's been easy to become resentful.
It has taken a keen focus on Christ daily to prevent these thoughts.
Not easy. Not always fun. But always the most contenting and humbling experience.
I am so scared of the frivolity and fake joy that I may face tomorrow in church.

Oh, Lord that you would humble me more. Humble me to the point of knowing you and not caring if people have remembered You for all that You are or not. This relationship is about me and You. Let me celebrate that tomorrow. Amen.

Psalm 30:5 (the second half) says, "weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Nothing matters. Nothing matters. All to Jesus, I surrender. I am His and He is mine.

+maundy thursday

Maundy means "to give," "to entrust," or "to order."
Most of the time, we translate it "to give a command."
Thursday is when the Last Supper is remembered.
Normally people do communion remember Jesus' final supper with his disciples.
Which is why during Holy Week it's called Maundy Thursday.

Jesus gave his final command to his disciples at that dinner.
Jesus washed the disciples feet.
He then said, "A new commandment I give to you - that you love one another - even as I have loved you - you also ought to love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:34-5)

Leave it to Jesus to humbly love and to humbly challenge in the same breath.

So today, I've been greatful.
But scared out of my mind.

Tonight is the night to mark Jesus' time in Gethsemane.
The time when those he most invested into fell asleep on him.

Ah, Betrayal.
Lord, get me through tonight because tomorrow is even worse.

+so keep'em coming, these lines on the road

I was going through old pictures to print today. I have a knack for not printing photos after taking thousands and thousands of them. So I was enjoying those old ones that I forgot existed. I was enjoying those pictures of people that obviously show the change that people have had since the time it was taken. And sometimes they just remind me of the funniest memories and sweetest moments. So naturally, Taylor Payne, that means I WILL post funny pictures of us. Here's to three years ago! :)

+riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise

"Blesssed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" sang the people of Jerusalem.

Palm Sunday is today. The height of Jesus' ministry. The moment when there was a connection between humanity and God about the magnitude of the time in history. The realization that perhaps Jesus was who he said he was and that the people were privileged to be in his presence. Can you imagine? Jesus coming to town on a donkey and being able to sing Him praises directly - to look into His eyes and be humbled?

I wonder if Jesus swelled with pride that day. Even just a little bit? I know He didn't. I believe that He was sitting there, broken for people, focusing on the lives and souls that were surrounding Him. He may have acknowledged the praise, but he certainly did not need it. Jesus wept for the city of Jerusalem. Oh, that I might be so humble!

Understanding the cost of Christianity.
It is so much bigger than I used to make it.
The modern day version makes my stomach hurt.
God desires something so much more intimate.
He desires something that we can't put on the back-burner.
He desires every moment to be filled with His presence.
I have very ugly moments.
Moments that I would not care for my Creator to acknowledge.
However, when He does, it makes my life so much more manageable.
It is so much easier to shove God into the holes of my schedule.
It is so easy to place Him into a two hour gap on Sunday
and an hour long gap during a weekday Bible study.
But God deserves so much more of me.
Breathing should become an act of worship.
I should ache to come before God daily
knowing he can take my feet and guide my next step.
Every day.
I have nothing to worry about with consistently seeking God.

Oh Lord, I wish I was there that day. That Palm Sunday. That day in Jerusalem. Keep me focused on the Glory of your ministry. Please prepare me for this week of remembrance. Allow me to weep and to understand what this coming Friday means for my life. Thou and thou only, first in my heart. Amen.