Thursday, April 28, 2011
+because death is just so full and man so small. well, i'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
More Mumford & Sons... the soundtrack of the last part of this semester, for certain!
"Night has always pushed up day,
You must know life to see decay.
But I won't rot, I won't rot.
Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand and we stood tall,
And remembered our own land, what we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
"Night has always pushed up day,
You must know life to see decay.
But I won't rot, I won't rot.
Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand and we stood tall,
And remembered our own land, what we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
+she told him that she believes in living bigger than she's living now, but her world keeps spinning backwards and upside down
Dearest blog readers, these past few days have really gotten me downtrodden. It all began this weekend. This past Friday was Good Friday. I consider myself to be quite tradition-driven where my faith is concerned. The symbolism of the Lenten Season, Ash Wednesday, Holy Week, Good Friday, Easter, all of it sinks deep inside of me and stirs my faith into new depths ever year. The difference this year? I have not been able to share it with anyone here in Lawrence besides the acquaintances I have at my church. The university community here (being a public, state school) does not share a common faith. This is the first time I have experienced this.
Last year at this time, I walked into our staff meeting in Student Affairs at Belmont and was greeted with a grinning Associate Dean who had hidden Easter eggs all over the student center. As staff, we rushed through the hallways gathering eggs. The eggs contained Bible verses, candy, and great quotes. We gathered back together and she gave us a meaningful devotion and gave us time to reflect on the season. Devon and I decorated Easter eggs and went to Crosspoint Church. My friends and I discussed the meaning of the season at length over coffee and walks. This year, I had meetings, emails and stress. I know that I cannot expect to have my environment always foster my faith, and this is a good place for me. But, going to church on Easter Sunday alone is still lonely. Envisioning the betrayal and death of Jesus and living in the suspended time between Friday and Sunday without fellow believers to sit and be with is lonely. And so, the sadness had sunk in and waking up on Monday morning felt so unmotivating -- the season of remembrance over, those busy last couple of weeks in college life ahead of me.
How does it go? "Cling to the moments that make you smile," "remember the good times"? These cliches kill me. I feel like they should be painted on a canvas of a landscape and framed and in the halls of an elementary school or something. Well, in the midst of my sadness and self-pity, there were several moments that stuck out to me as things that I just need to keep replaying in my mind. I hated those cliches because I felt like they pointed to the fact that only brief moments of life were happy and that day to day was a struggle. I felt more the opposite all my life, and for that I am grateful and blessed. But the cliches make a lot more sense when your days feel rough and lonely. Today was sad. It was lonely. I am still working out the lumps in my throat that well up when I think of my faith and Easter and the season that has past, but asking a friend for a hug when I hit a low is a moment I don't want to forget. Laughing hysterically after getting hit hard in the leg by a racquetball is a moment I don't want to forget. How good it felt to see a dear friend after her trip out of town this weekend is a moment I don't want to forget. It is the human connection that drives my day to day and I don't want to wallow for too long and miss the moments that make me feel alive.
All of this to say... sometimes it is good (not fun) to wallow and be alone and sort out what is at the root of the sadness. Sometimes, it is okay to recognize that this life cannot be lived alone (but good thing you didn't ask me this yesterday, 'cause yesterday I was way too stubborn to admit this). I feel like I come to these same realizations over and over in my life, and I feel like I am growing up. So, maybe I never remember growing pains because of getting taller (my body forgot to do that) but growing pains of realizing my place in the world and realizing how small I am compared to God's plan, and growing pains of becoming a mid-20-something.
Last year at this time, I walked into our staff meeting in Student Affairs at Belmont and was greeted with a grinning Associate Dean who had hidden Easter eggs all over the student center. As staff, we rushed through the hallways gathering eggs. The eggs contained Bible verses, candy, and great quotes. We gathered back together and she gave us a meaningful devotion and gave us time to reflect on the season. Devon and I decorated Easter eggs and went to Crosspoint Church. My friends and I discussed the meaning of the season at length over coffee and walks. This year, I had meetings, emails and stress. I know that I cannot expect to have my environment always foster my faith, and this is a good place for me. But, going to church on Easter Sunday alone is still lonely. Envisioning the betrayal and death of Jesus and living in the suspended time between Friday and Sunday without fellow believers to sit and be with is lonely. And so, the sadness had sunk in and waking up on Monday morning felt so unmotivating -- the season of remembrance over, those busy last couple of weeks in college life ahead of me.
How does it go? "Cling to the moments that make you smile," "remember the good times"? These cliches kill me. I feel like they should be painted on a canvas of a landscape and framed and in the halls of an elementary school or something. Well, in the midst of my sadness and self-pity, there were several moments that stuck out to me as things that I just need to keep replaying in my mind. I hated those cliches because I felt like they pointed to the fact that only brief moments of life were happy and that day to day was a struggle. I felt more the opposite all my life, and for that I am grateful and blessed. But the cliches make a lot more sense when your days feel rough and lonely. Today was sad. It was lonely. I am still working out the lumps in my throat that well up when I think of my faith and Easter and the season that has past, but asking a friend for a hug when I hit a low is a moment I don't want to forget. Laughing hysterically after getting hit hard in the leg by a racquetball is a moment I don't want to forget. How good it felt to see a dear friend after her trip out of town this weekend is a moment I don't want to forget. It is the human connection that drives my day to day and I don't want to wallow for too long and miss the moments that make me feel alive.
All of this to say... sometimes it is good (not fun) to wallow and be alone and sort out what is at the root of the sadness. Sometimes, it is okay to recognize that this life cannot be lived alone (but good thing you didn't ask me this yesterday, 'cause yesterday I was way too stubborn to admit this). I feel like I come to these same realizations over and over in my life, and I feel like I am growing up. So, maybe I never remember growing pains because of getting taller (my body forgot to do that) but growing pains of realizing my place in the world and realizing how small I am compared to God's plan, and growing pains of becoming a mid-20-something.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
+with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Remember that post where I said I was doing some photography for KU? Well here's the spring edition of what I've been photographing lately! Happy SPRING!
 |
| Watkins Scholarship Hall 2010-2011 |
 | |
| Watkins Seniors |
 |
| Watkins Alumni Tea |
 |
| Cara, one of my staff members with the Chancellor of KU at the reception for her acceptance into the Mortar Board Society |
 |
| Miller Scholarship Hall Alumni Tea |
 |
| Miller Alumi Tea |
 |
| Miller Alumi Tea |
 |
| Margaret Amini Scholarship Hall 4th Annual 5K |
 |
| Maggie 5K Social Chairs |
 |
| Lovely Maggie Ladies! |
 |
| Pre-Race Stretches |
 |
| Maggie 5K |
Sunday, April 10, 2011
+awake my soul
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall.
Lend me your eyes and I can change what you see, but your soul you must keep, totally free.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul. You were made to meet your maker.
Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul. You were made to meet your maker.
-Mumford & Sons
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall.
Lend me your eyes and I can change what you see, but your soul you must keep, totally free.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul. You were made to meet your maker.
Awake my soul, awake my soul, awake my soul. You were made to meet your maker.
-Mumford & Sons
Friday, April 8, 2011
+stop this runaway car, if we're not that gone, and we're not that far, if I left you there then I left it all behind
The other day in class one of our professors described the spring semester as having a 'snowball effect' - she said when you start out a semester, there's a great view from the top, you slowly start rolling and everything is manageable and tame. Then, you start building some momentum and accumulating more and more things to do until you reach a point that it's too much to control, and everything just keeps getting faster - and you can try to ride it out, you can get left behind, or you can get flattened by the weight of it all. I appreciate this analogy.
I refuse to complain on this blog about time (lack of). I signed up for graduate school, I was lucky enough to land an assistantship, I'm a perfectionist enough to care that things get done and get done right, and I'm stubborn enough to want to maintain friendships and build new ones, to explore new things and to keep reading. So, since I willingly sign up for these things, I cannot be mad. But. (There's always a "but"). I am teetering on the edge of exhaustion.
But my way of making it manageable? Day by day. One step at a time. Supportive friends/family. Devon Neisen. And 6AM trips to coffee shops to get 3 hours of paper-writing in before I go into work. And this is just a master's degree. How very much respect I have for doctoral candidates / degree recipients, in any field (and oh, how lucky I would be to become one... maybe...one day)!
I refuse to complain on this blog about time (lack of). I signed up for graduate school, I was lucky enough to land an assistantship, I'm a perfectionist enough to care that things get done and get done right, and I'm stubborn enough to want to maintain friendships and build new ones, to explore new things and to keep reading. So, since I willingly sign up for these things, I cannot be mad. But. (There's always a "but"). I am teetering on the edge of exhaustion.
But my way of making it manageable? Day by day. One step at a time. Supportive friends/family. Devon Neisen. And 6AM trips to coffee shops to get 3 hours of paper-writing in before I go into work. And this is just a master's degree. How very much respect I have for doctoral candidates / degree recipients, in any field (and oh, how lucky I would be to become one... maybe...one day)!
Monday, April 4, 2011
+light will guide you home, and ignite your bones
One of the cool parts about my job is that I get to advise a LOT of students. Advising is something I'm learning that is energizing for me - on one hand I want my students to succeed and I advise them as best as I can to allow them to do so. On the other hand, failure is not negative. If an event or an initiative doesn't come to fruition, it is a moment of learning and insight for both of us. One of the groups that I advise in my job is our system-wide hall government. This spring, we had a new programming chair who decided that she wanted to help to create a first annual International Fair for the scholarship hall community. She took it upon herself to truly make the event special. I wanted to share some pictures from the event because I think when all is said and done we both just smiled a big smile knowing that we had helped many residents in our community learn more about countries all over the globe.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
+nothing unusual, nothing strange, close to nothing at all, the same old scenario, the same old rain, and there's no explosions here
What a very long week. The weeks after breaks always seem to be, don't they? This one has seemed particularly long and draining, so many details, meetings and logistics. The little things that make the bigger things keep ticking. And some weeks those meetings and details feel like work and sometimes they don't. Sometimes all it takes to recover is long walks, big meals, and time. Let all these ingredients sink in? And I'm back to a good place. Ready for another week. Long or short, I plan on remembering my purpose and being humbled by the ability to be where I am right now.
"I'm so satisfied at the thought of You growing up in me, covering everything. My happiness if found in less of me and more of you." -Shane and Shane
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)