+she told him that she believes in living bigger than she's living now, but her world keeps spinning backwards and upside down

Dearest blog readers, these past few days have really gotten me downtrodden. It all began this weekend. This past Friday was Good Friday. I consider myself to be quite tradition-driven where my faith is concerned. The symbolism of the Lenten Season, Ash Wednesday, Holy Week, Good Friday, Easter, all of it sinks deep inside of me and stirs my faith into new depths ever year. The difference this year? I have not been able to share it with anyone here in Lawrence besides the acquaintances I have at my church. The university community here (being a public, state school) does not share a common faith. This is the first time I have experienced this.

Last year at this time, I walked into our staff meeting in Student Affairs at Belmont and was greeted with a grinning Associate Dean who had hidden Easter eggs all over the student center. As staff, we rushed through the hallways gathering eggs. The eggs contained Bible verses, candy, and great quotes. We gathered back together and she gave us a meaningful devotion and gave us time to reflect on the season. Devon and I decorated Easter eggs and went to Crosspoint Church. My friends and I discussed the meaning of the season at length over coffee and walks. This year, I had meetings, emails and stress. I know that I cannot expect to have my environment always foster my faith, and this is a good place for me. But, going to church on Easter Sunday alone is still lonely. Envisioning the betrayal and death of Jesus and living in the suspended time between Friday and Sunday without fellow believers to sit and be with is lonely. And so, the sadness had sunk in and waking up on Monday morning felt so unmotivating -- the season of remembrance over, those busy last couple of weeks in college life ahead of me.

How does it go? "Cling to the moments that make you smile," "remember the good times"? These cliches kill me. I feel like they should be painted on a canvas of a landscape and framed and in the halls of an elementary school or something. Well, in the midst of my sadness and self-pity, there were several moments that stuck out to me as things that I just need to keep replaying in my mind. I hated those cliches because I felt like they pointed to the fact that only brief moments of life were happy and that day to day was a struggle. I felt more the opposite all my life, and for that I am grateful and blessed. But the cliches make a lot more sense when your days feel rough and lonely. Today was sad. It was lonely. I am still working out the lumps in my throat that well up when I think of my faith and Easter and the season that has past, but asking a friend for a hug when I hit a low is a moment I don't want to forget. Laughing hysterically after getting hit hard in the leg by a racquetball is a moment I don't want to forget. How good it felt to see a dear friend after her trip out of town this weekend is a moment I don't want to forget. It is the human connection that drives my day to day and I don't want to wallow for too long and miss the moments that make me feel alive.

All of this to say... sometimes it is good (not fun) to wallow and be alone and sort out what is at the root of the sadness. Sometimes, it is okay to recognize that this life cannot be lived alone (but good thing you didn't ask me this yesterday, 'cause yesterday I was way too stubborn to admit this). I feel like I come to these same realizations over and over in my life, and I feel like I am growing up. So, maybe I never remember growing pains because of getting taller (my body forgot to do that) but growing pains of realizing my place in the world and realizing how small I am compared to God's plan, and growing pains of becoming a mid-20-something.