+steady hearts hate turning

Micah’s view on life makes me feel freedom. Isn’t that what ‘being a Christian’ is all about? It’s about taking the rules you know and really figuring them out. It’s about taking the rules you know and maybe throwing them out. And that’s freedom. Especially when you know why. Micah uses his music to express his feelings and I use words. It was an interesting night. But I woke up this morning with a very eerie sense of novelty. Like someone just told me I didn’t have to be cautious anymore. Like someone just told me I didn’t have to stick to my plans. Like it is suddenly okay to dream a little bigger, hope a little wider. He said, “I don’t call myself a Christian. Sometimes I don’t feel Christian enough. But I love God and I know that life is a journey with him.”

+obviously i'm fond of (parentheses)

pushing up the kickstand of my brand new bicycle in the empty parking lot (cause:springbreak) was just the beginning. i mounted my set of wheels and deeply breathed in the crisp march air and began to ride on nashville's music row. i forgot how freeing (and like a child) things like swinging, bike riding, and eating animal crackers are. i know they were all a part of my life (the main part) when i was little--why did i decide that i was too old for things? i'm not (never will be). and playing frisbee and playing in the rain is not below me.

as i laid in bed last night i began to think about how amazing (and challenging and growing) of a time my friends have been having lately. my high school church just got back from panama and some of my closest friends are in juarez, mexico (language barrier and all). our college is in pensacola, the applachian trail, new orleans, and new york. and that's just it. i know my job right now is to spend my nights in prayer (what great conversation). it's hard to be on this end sometimes. to just know that things are happening and experiences are making life-impact, but to be physically blind to it.

i am so jealous of my time with God lately. it's fun to look back just a few months and to (like a best friend) be able to talk about different nights where it's just been good. good talks. good lessons. and crazy peace. i should be scared about my (ever-changing) future plans. i should be anxious about my friends traveling (on planes) all week. but instead, there's peace. and a smile.

donald miller(through painted desserts):
"everybody has to leave--everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for new reasons. i want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently."

"i heard once that real love doesn't ask what is in it for me; it just gives unconditionally. it just tries to take the weight out of somebody else's pack, lessen his load, and if it gets reciprocated, that's great, but that isn't what you did it for."

+when you're weak, you're strong to me

"...i need to confess - it's hard to show my weakness
i want so much to show you strength, without revealing everything.
you know what i always say, "when you're weak, you're strong to me"
it's another way of loving me. cause when i see your heart, i get carried through
remember, i promised forever. life brings change. but my promise is the same.
and through these years we've been together..." (watermark)

how many times will my friends tell me i'm worthy and valuable before i finally believe them?
i feel like all i do is doubt myself (frustrating).
i have a hundred times one thousand percent confidence in the worthiness and value of my friends, but when i turn that finger around to myself? i cower away.

i feel like that's absolutely normal.
but i hate it.
i hate that my room is so messy right now,
i hate that i haven't had a good run in a few days,
and i hate that i ate unhealthy food today.
but more than all of that, i just hate that i cannot make myself see rationally.

today was a great day.
i caught up with two friends that i love but haven't spent time with lately.
and played intramural volleyball for the first time.
and watched friends perform with company.
and spent amazingly glorious time with another friend all night.

i realized today that life can be frustrating and beautiful at the same time
and that's okay
and i don't need to play 'fix it' right now
and i don't need to think about it too much

and my friends really do care. even if it takes them telling me that 1,000 times.

+another day at the capitol

this is my conversation with the Speaker of the Senate today on the elevator....

"do you do pageants?" (speaker ramsey)
"no..." (me)
"you just stand like a lady. it's a good thing." (speaker ramsey)
"thank you!" (me)
"where are you from?" (speaker ramsey)
"belmont university." (me)
"oh wow, good basketball team. but i'm for mtsu, so i should be mad at you." (speaker ramsey)
"we're going to d.c. for the ncaa tournament!" (me)
"i know, i'm thinking i might just go on up there and do some business and watch the game" (speaker ramsey)
"i'll join you!" (me)
"hahahaha alright, it's a plan!" (speaker ramsey)

+music

"i've got my mind made up - i've got to love you or leave you fast. cause i've been thinking clear, and i don't know how long it'll last. i'm bound to twist the facts around. i've got to get them straight. cause i can't walk on water and if i chase you, i might drown. if i may pose a question - it'll only take a second and depending on your answer i might have the mind to make a daring daylight escape. because it's either high time to make you mine or i swear it's time to get outta town. so please say 'yes' quick, 'cause the sun's going down. and i've got front page headlines pulled right outta yesterday's news. you can read all about it - about a boy meets a girl and then screws the whole things up. just like always. it's no crime to love you and my heart's still doing time." (caedmon's call)

+bridges,family,hope

i can't help but feel like i've been burning bridges lately.
that's alright because i feel like it's all a God thing.
like he's deep within me telling me that there are reasons that things hurt.
reasons that i have to tear myself away from the good to get the great.
reasons that life is hard - and i've just got to trust him
because when was the last time that faith came without trust?
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the weekend in birmingham for easter break was perfection. mom time and dad time. mom time looked like cooking and shopping. dad time looked like hiking and tennis. we're a pretty typical family. and that's why i love us. no surprises. lots of consistency. a ton of love - more than i feel i deserve at times.
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driving allows for so much contemplation and refreshing. time to think. time to be distraction free. it's probably just driving in a straight line for hours that will do it to you. but i love listening to music and thinking.
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this week promises to be full of rest. quality time with my camera, my bike, and my car. some time in the outdoors and the exercise room. maybe a trip to my favorite coffee shop and a good evening with brian mclaren's new book. just some time to breathe and some time to sleep. just what i need.
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this summer i'll be in nashville, tennessee with everything it has to offer. i have never had so much peace and contentment about a decision before and i know deep in my core that the sun will shine and i will smile. there'll be hard days and great ones, and i cannot wait for it to start!

+when in rome

i don't really know why i can't stop watching this. maybe because mandolins are cool. maybe it's because chris thile is cool. maybe because the cinematography is something that i wish i could do. or maybe it's just the coordination of all these things in one three minute segment that does it for me. whatever. nickel creek is wonderful.

+i have no fear cause you are all that i have

all my little goals and plans for the week were accomplished, and for me that is entirely rare. if it wasn't for my burned foot, i feel like i could have done a little more biking, but that's my only regret. it's so interesting to me how beautiful alone time can be, but also how ready i was to see people again. last night i saw a good number of my friends and it was complete happiness. when you devote your life to people, people tend to make you happy - crazy how that works. yesterday at church, lloyd opened with something he had read this past week - i cannot remember the reference, but essentially it talked about when we start to worry about things we should ask ourselves "can it be worked on today?" and if the answer is "no." then we should give those things to God so he can work on them while we worry ourselves with getting through today. i liked that. and it stuck with me. he also talked about how we are lights in a lightbulb. when the filament burns it emits light and heat which permeates everything around it, not just the inside. it needs an encasement to work, or else it would not be able to start, but the light shouldn't stop at the glass of the encasement. does that make sense? i feel like i butchered the analogy. but i love it.... two more thoughts to ponder: today was the first time i've worn open toed shoes this semester(glory!) and when you dress up(for work especially) you feel more productive and useful to society. weird? i think it is a little bit.

+true life is lived when tiny changes occur (-tolstoy)

when i entered college the only music that was in my possession was burned on a CD or on the radio. i mainly listened to christian, country, or oldies. i didn't even have a favorite band.

i remember sitting around during orientation and in the caf for a few months of school listening to people debate music for hours on end. i remember looking around for someone to share in my music-ignorance. unfortunately, choosing to go to belmont meant that i wasn't going to find another person with my lack of knowledge. nope.

luckily, the friends i made embraced me instead of shunning me. jamie let me essentially learn her enitre CD collection last spring--yes, that included hanson, but also everything from john mayer to jack johnson to the gabe dixon band to the fray to regina spektor to corinne bailey rae to florez and the format. so i started to have a different sort of appreciation for music. i actually bought an ipod and got itunes.

kristin kapolas and i went to a mat kearney concet and amanda shoffner taught me about andy davis, nathan angelo, matt wertz, dave barnes, and everyone in that line of music. the weepies, caedmon's call, and anything sara groves is there to always make me happy. joy of course is a constant music source(wealth) of information with matt nathanson and joshua radin and tyrone wells and sarah barellis and colbie caillat and miley cyrus(hahahaha).

i even thought it was a good idea last spring to take a private piano lesson. given, my professor was outstanding and doing beginning lessons was good for my mind. i realized how much discipline learning an instrument is. i also realized how deeply intertwined a human can be with an instrument, a course of study, and simply music.

and now devon has enlightened me into a whole new realm of music- from jackson browne to snow patrol to the avett brothers to better than ezra to phantom planet to elliott smith to the good life to the decembrists to any and all wes anderson movie soundtracks and way more than that. it's such an experience.

belmont music groups are also a new found favorite. phoenix and company and any jazz small group or orchestra or ensemble. i truly enjoy going to any and everything that i can. it's always guaranteed to be enjoyable.

welcome to belmont university. where all things music come from.
i know, i know, i haven't even begun to know music, but i'm learning and i'm one of those crazy people who believes wholeheartedly that music can change your mood, attitudes, actions, and life.

probably because music is just as beautiful to me as a well-composed picture or piece of artwork or outdoor scene.

+every heart has so much history-it's my favorite place to start

my friend alex is going to compete in miss tennessee international so she had me take some head shots for her at my church (fellowship has a lake behind it....convenient). these are a few. it's always good to pretend that we know what we're doing...


"and i'm not God, i'm a girl. i confess that don't have a sea of forgetfulness. no, it's all right here - it makes me stronger, it makes me wince. makes me think twice when i pick my friends. it's caution and curiosity and all the things i never see. it's welling up inside of me. it's what is best and what is worse, it's how i see the universe. it's in every line and every verse--it's all right here. every heart has so much history, it's my favorite place to start, sit down a while and share your narrative with me -- i'm not afraid of who you are. some of this is uniqe, and some of it we share. add it up and start from there, it's all right here." (sg)

+i'm unusually hard to hold on to

it's like laying down in a warm soft bed after not sleeping for days. it's pulling that heavy comforter up to my chin and closing my eyes. the way my body feels finally laying down, resting my bones. that's what your love does for me, God. that constant, beautiful feeling of consistency and peace. i'm realizing how quickly things change and how constant you are.

and how much i love that.

+i want to live and die for bigger things - i'm tired of fighting for just me

why was today so draining?
more than likely it was because of staying up late to work on my paper -or- listening to a man yell at me for half an hour because our senator supports carding for alcohol at any age -or- listening to a woman tell me how she gets screwed over on child support -or- hearing a story about a child who gets hit with a remote control by a teacher and has no sympathy from the school systems -or- being scolded for not knowing the senator's stance on immigration -or- the fact that the senator had four appointments within an hour so we had at least 17 people waiting to see him. they are loud. lobbyists. -or- not being allowed to take a lunch break because we're too busy -or- pretending like i'm on staff here and an intern and trying to do both jobs even though i'm not capable -or- getting reprimanded by the senator for transferring his call wrong -or- not grabbing the right binder for committee -or- the other thousands of things that i do wrong.

thankfully fatima showed up in the midst of all of it. and i have friends who text me and brighten my day. my mom emails me and i have a bottle of good water here. it's just so clear i don't belong here. but that's okay.

i'm learning so much. and learning so much by doing things wrong. incorrect. learn heather learn. gosh why are you so stupid didn't you go to high school? no!! they didn't teach me this in class!!!! these are lessons that aren't in textbooks.

i'm good at school. this isn't school.

+here in these deep city lights, girl could get lost tonight

los angeles was wonderful.
i felt like a little kid for the entirety of our visit. what beautiful friends i have and what a lovely 4 day escape-from-nashville-and-work it was! it might have just been the little nudge i needed to become a traveler for life. "come on and we'll sing, like we were free - push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us..."