+maybe stories are just data with soul (brene brown)

"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends. We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again. And it seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth, the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued." -DC4C

I really thought that all of the sudden some day it would hit me - that I would be a gal who was in love with wedding planning and being the bride - the attention, the focus on love, the cute crafts that come along with it all. But, I guess this is my confession post that I'm not there. I don't think I'm going to get there. I don't love it. If I could go back to April, I would have forked over the cash for a wedding planner who was in charge of making 98% of the decisions. I don't know if it's just my mood today, but I am worn out with plans and like I am constantly forgetting things.

And then I get a front row seat on friends' pregnancies (and I want a family as soon as we're able) but I see the same process unfolding - the planning, the crafting, the showers, the same fifteen questions... and it makes me want to run away from civilization. I guess it never ends. I just don't know why my stubborn personality can't accept it. I want to be excited and I want to be Mrs. Domestic. I want to be those things, but they just aren't me. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I am fiercely introverted and it's not that I love that part of myself or try to protect it, but it's where I feel most comfortable. I love books and studying and hole-ing up in a library for the better part of a day and then going on a long run. I like sharing my life and finding out about others over coffee and food. That's where my sweet spot is. Small groups. One on one. So large scale, large plans, complexities... these things all baffle my mind a bit. I feel like a leaky faucet these days; constantly feeling upset at responses or family or feeling like I keep letting everyone down with the timeline of our invites, our guest list, our ability to keep every person in the loop, money, time, and the ever-ticking clock letting me know that there is not much time to spare.

I just love Devon. I don't want to complicate it. I like sitting on our couch. I like cooking food. I like walking and talking and dreaming and planning and getting excited about the littlest things and acting like robots and talking in silly accents. I love that we agree that large scale events with thousands of logistical pieces are not either of our strong suits. We are drained. So, I guess it's not every little girl's dream to have a wedding day full of pink and white and glam. And I guess it's okay to never really get there in the planning process. It's so hard to not feel inferior and weird in this culture full of bridal expectations.

The little girl in me just dreams about a hand to hold who loves me dearly through all the ugly I have inside me and gives me a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead until we're old and wrinkly. I don't think anyone told me that that kind of love had to pick out table decorations or how tables would be arranged. I'm starting to embrace my inner-non-bride.

(As an important addendum: I would like to say that those that know me best have been incredible in support and love and I am sure if they are reading this right now they are shouting, "Yes, Heather we hear you and we want to help you, you just need to let us know what to do, already!!" and to you all, I say thank you and I will come around and start to delegate. I am in that If-I-Don't-Like-It-I-Am-Not-Putting-It-On-Loved-Ones phase and sometimes you just need to tell me what you are going to do and not let me help. But thank you x a million. You put up with stubborn me!)

+God only knows where I'd be without you

 Kristine Neeley may just be my all-time favorite photographer. Always has been and probably always will be. Kristine took beautiful pictures of me and Devon after I left Nashville and headed to Kansas. Every time I look at those images I can't help but be wrapped up in all the emotions that are in Devon and my eyes. We were so uncertain back then, but at the same time totally certain. We had no clue what distance would be like for us, we didn't know if it would work or if it would be our relationship's demise. I got so nervous when Kristine offered to take photos of us and put them on her blog - my mind was reeling with questions of what if we broke up? What if we weren't the couple that was headed towards something more serious? All those questions seem like distant memories. Distance worked, guys. It was rough and there were mountains to climb, but here we are, ready to start. With just two months until our wedding, it all seems a little unreal. So OF COURSE Kristine would be the first person we thought of to take our wedding pictures, and engagement pictures. I giggle thinking how self-conscious I was back in 2010 taking pictures together and shouting to people, "No no we're not engaged..." to now... where I proudly smile in confidence of being Devon's wife. What a wild ride, and I'm still blown away that we haven't really even started as a family (I'm shaking my head in disbelief).

A little "then" and "now" montage (I don't feel like we look all that different 2 1/2 years later):

Then: Standing on Heron Hall's steps, where it all began (and just a minute's walk away from where Devon proposed)

Now: at Gentry's in Franklin, TN and being engaged

Then

Now

Then

Now

Then  

Now 

Then

Now

Then

Now 

Now

+and use my head alongside my heart

A post from last Wednesday...

This day was too beautiful to not be outdoors in fresh air... and to be running. A fast-paced six-miler made me feel fresh and new and happy in a way nothing else really can.

Running is still addicting. In case anyone was thinking about how it has been over a month since the marathon and I haven't blogged about running yet. My blog is such a dumping ground of thoughts for me... on my profession, my education, my faith, my friends, my travels, my family. I'm certain it must feel sort of all over the place, but I love it because that is how life is-that is how conversations and relationships are- and that is the human experience as I have know it.

But back to the running. After a race in a big, new city this fall, I'm ready for an homage to a local or at least super-close-to-home year, with a bit more ambitious goals. (Next year you can bet to see me in Minnesota or NYC or Seattle, God and body-willing)

1. Music City Marathon in April (Nashville)
2. Scenic City 1/2 Marathon in May (Chattanooga)
3. Evansville 1/2 Marathon in October (Evansville)
4. Harpeth Hall Flying Monkey Marathon in November (Nashville)

That's the 2013 itinerary. I guess you could consider getting married a mini-marathon scheduled for early February, also in Nashville. My other goals are to be more active with the running groups in town like the East Nasty and to perhaps start my own little running club via my job. I also commit to giving CrossFit a try this year at least once during all the training.

There is something about resolutions (albeit I'm making them in November and not on New Years) that gets my heart beating faster. I still am obsessed with each new season and the new comforts it brings. I thought I loved summer most for its warm nights and sunlight til 9pm. I thought I loved the start of fall where a light jacket was needed and the leaves were in the peak of color. But now I'm falling in love with the start of winter and bundling up and using the gear that keeps me cozy and warm except for the tip of my nose. The sun setting at 6pm doesn't bum me out like I always think it should, it just promotes an early bedtime for an earlier run with the promise of a hot shower and a warm cup of coffee at the end of the workout. Not sure what I would do without the constant companion that running has become, but I know I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other as long as I'm able!

+you're the yellow bird I've been waiting on

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." -James 5:16 (NIV)

Our spirits are made to be tenderly cared for. I would have never said this a year ago or even a couple of months ago. Devon and I have a new church home where we have been going for almost half a year now. Growing up I was a part of a church who cared about my intellectual knowledge of the Bible. I memorized scripture and learned rationale and arguments that could prove why it is that I believe what I do. I enjoyed it, it suited my time in life well. However, never has it been clearer that in the care and maintenance of all that is intellectual, I have neglected the side of me that is the breath of my faith - the spiritual side. Being awakened to the spirit sounds catchy or mystical, but really it is the acknowledgement that every part of my day is a part of something much bigger than myself. Spiritual life for me begins in prayer life, an area where I've never been all too disciplined. Prayers that come from a real place from a person who believes in the power of the creator is a new thing for me. I won't say "sadly" because I just haven't been a part of a genuine community who believes it before. I will say I am counting my lucky stars to embrace it now.

"Show me a place where hope is young and a people who are not afraid to love." Church for me is now a place where there is real love and genuine commitment to relationships. I can't tell you what mission organization we support (but I know we do). I can't tell you what big name speakers are coming into town or a conference we're sponsoring. We are young. In more ways than one. We are a young congregation - we are newly graduated, newly married, newly parents and we're growing. We are journeying through pre-marital counseling and growing through Financial Peace University, with a group to support us through it.  We are uncertain of so many things, but we knew we needed roots.

"This is a call to all the dead and disappointed
The ones who feel like they are done
This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten
But you are not -
Oh, you are not.

We're alive, alive, alive we're singin'
We're alive, alive, alive and we're shaken,
We're alive, alive, alive, alive in You

We are soaked in all the grace that we've been given
Unchained from all that we have done
Your mercy's rising like the sun on the horizon
We're coming home"