+little bird, say what you said, say it again

Something I have never thought about before what what my night routine was. In college it was always get in the pajamas, grab my laptop, surf the internet while my eyes got droopy, then roll over and sleep. At home since I've been in college? Pretty much the same thing. It's so funny that your routine for over three years can be something you've never quite given a second thought to. So when I moved into my apartment I sat and layed there. I just stared at my ceiling. Or my lamp. Or tried to read to get tired. Or journal. (Reading and journaling keep me wide awake, so I have found). So my first couple of nights I struggled to find a way to have a new routine. While I thought I was the best at flexibility, I quickly discovered it is tough to change up a way you are used to doing things. But it has been worth it. I now get to spend that time praying and reflecting on my day. While it doesn't make me sleepy, it does provide a sense of closure on my day that I needed.

Why does this all matter? Because transistions for me always are tough. But the funny thing is, as uncomfortable as I get when change rears its head, I always come out the other end benefitting from it. Most of the times spiritually. Devon has been a big proponent that people learn the most when they hit rock bottom. I'm not saying that changing my nightly routine was hitting rock bottom for me at all. But it was lonely and restless and provided countless nights of 3-4 hours of sleep. It made me learn to rely on something new. It made me assess where I was relying. It just made me conscious again.

So maybe that is all I am trying to get at.
Maybe I need to change up what I am doing more often.
It just makes me all the more aware of what is really going on.

"Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays, you come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me"
-The Weepies, "Little Bird"

+it is good for me to lay it down at Your feet

I love the beauty that is the mystery of the way God works. I love how he can use anxiety to draw me back into fellowship and humility. People are beautiful. They have flaws, they don't do things right. And I love them because of that. Because we are all so fragile and human and vulnerable. The opening up, the letting others know our hearts and our fears and our dreams and our real emotions are what really count in this life. I know that I am rambling here, but I am so impressed by the way that God chooses to work sometimes, mainly because it is never what I could expect and imagine (and I definitely have an imagination).

How do I allow myself to well up with pride to the point that I must be shattered and crumbled before I can be restored? Oh, the learning. Oh, the growing.

"When the lie is deeper than I know,
You capture me and You carry me home.
You see these wounds and rescue me,
You always heal things beautifully.
And I close my eyes and You can still my heart.

And I call out Your name,
cause you always know where to find me.

And where could I wander that You wouldn't be?
Whom have I but You who really knows me?
Proven to be the God that sees, from strength to strength, You've lifted me."
-Watermark, Where to Find Me
 

+far markd with the courses of clear winding rills

And more of the picture posts. Yep, still in that b&w mode. From my trip to see Devon in Evansville and to celebrate Farrin turning 22!

+e is evern more than anyone that you adore can

I realized I never posted pictures from my family's trip up to Philadelphia for the holidays. My extended relatives all reside in the Philadelphia, Delaware, New Jersey area. For some reason I'm in a very black and white mood photo mood tonight, so here are a few!

+the more the crowd cheers the less i can hear and they don't really care what i play

I have not blogged much this year. Most of that is due to my recent move to a lovely apartment sans the internet and cable so luxuriously included at Belmont University.

I also have been struggling through on my own and with some close friends about the reality of being done with college and the loneliness that comes with it. I didn't really think I would feel alone. I think a month ago if you would ask me how I would feel about January I would say that I would be sitting around reveling in my independent glory and basking in the warmth and happiness of friends and free-time. Don't get me wrong, I love watching through the first season of glee, movies, cooking and baking, and not really having much on my plate. But I've got to stop being stubborn and admit it's a pretty big transition and it's okay that it isn't going as smoothly as I expected.

That being said, all I've been thinking about lately is the power that anonymity brings. I'm sure this is directly related to not knowing the people around me in my new apartment complex (and how the power that anonymity has on my anxiety) but it spills into other areas as well. I have noticed how much more aggressive I am in a car where no one knows me and how others do the same. Or at work how people become jerks or manipulative through their e-mail correspondence. I know that I use it too. In college it was such a vibrant community where most everyone knew most everyone, correspondence was mostly done in the classroom or face-to-face and I could go a week without driving my car. Now it's all becoming a little more day-to-day and it is fascinating to me.

I just need some prayers thrown my way and my own continued commitment to facing situations head on. Happy Back-to-School time!

+the places and times it was now

One year, my new years resolution is going to be to visit all 50 states in one year. Until then, I'll attempt to look traveled by posting these little maps of states I've been able to visit and explore (and in some cases live). I really enjoy exploring the U.S. even if it is not as romantic as Europe or Africa or Asia, I'll be content with my budget to keep exploring what we have here (for now!).

(If I was attempting to be a major phone company, these maps would not signify that great of coverage.)

2008

2009