"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends. We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again. And it seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth, the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued." -DC4C
I really thought that all of the sudden some day it would hit me - that I would be a gal who was in love with wedding planning and being the bride - the attention, the focus on love, the cute crafts that come along with it all. But, I guess this is my confession post that I'm not there. I don't think I'm going to get there. I don't love it. If I could go back to April, I would have forked over the cash for a wedding planner who was in charge of making 98% of the decisions. I don't know if it's just my mood today, but I am worn out with plans and like I am constantly forgetting things.
And then I get a front row seat on friends' pregnancies (and I want a family as soon as we're able) but I see the same process unfolding - the planning, the crafting, the showers, the same fifteen questions... and it makes me want to run away from civilization. I guess it never ends. I just don't know why my stubborn personality can't accept it. I want to be excited and I want to be Mrs. Domestic. I want to be those things, but they just aren't me. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I am fiercely introverted and it's not that I love that part of myself or try to protect it, but it's where I feel most comfortable. I love books and studying and hole-ing up in a library for the better part of a day and then going on a long run. I like sharing my life and finding out about others over coffee and food. That's where my sweet spot is. Small groups. One on one. So large scale, large plans, complexities... these things all baffle my mind a bit. I feel like a leaky faucet these days; constantly feeling upset at responses or family or feeling like I keep letting everyone down with the timeline of our invites, our guest list, our ability to keep every person in the loop, money, time, and the ever-ticking clock letting me know that there is not much time to spare.
I just love Devon. I don't want to complicate it. I like sitting on our couch. I like cooking food. I like walking and talking and dreaming and planning and getting excited about the littlest things and acting like robots and talking in silly accents. I love that we agree that large scale events with thousands of logistical pieces are not either of our strong suits. We are drained. So, I guess it's not every little girl's dream to have a wedding day full of pink and white and glam. And I guess it's okay to never really get there in the planning process. It's so hard to not feel inferior and weird in this culture full of bridal expectations.
The little girl in me just dreams about a hand to hold who loves me dearly through all the ugly I have inside me and gives me a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead until we're old and wrinkly. I don't think anyone told me that that kind of love had to pick out table decorations or how tables would be arranged. I'm starting to embrace my inner-non-bride.
(As an important addendum: I would like to say that those that know me best have been incredible in support and love and I am sure if they are reading this right now they are shouting, "Yes, Heather we hear you and we want to help you, you just need to let us know what to do, already!!" and to you all, I say thank you and I will come around and start to delegate. I am in that If-I-Don't-Like-It-I-Am-Not-Putting-It-On-Loved-Ones phase and sometimes you just need to tell me what you are going to do and not let me help. But thank you x a million. You put up with stubborn me!)
2 comments:
Hello Heather,
This is Anne, I was a Pre-Ed advisor when you were with KU Advising about a year ago. The German girl, brown hair, you know. (maybe)
I came to your blog by way of twitter (and the power of procrastination). I promise I'm not being creepy, I just really like the blog format, and so I get excited about blogs by people I know.
Anyway, I read this post, and I very much identified with your words.
So I wanted to share this article: http://www.washingtonian.com/articles/people/remains-of-the-day/index.php
So here's my two cents, (based on very little experience and many similar feelings to those you describe):
What it comes down to is that the only thing that matters, is what matters to you.
Yeah, traditions are nice, because they are cultural artifacts of the past, they are a way to celebrate our culture and they allow us to express ourselves more easily, by way of archaic rituals, without having to come up with our own stuff.
But in the end, your life has to be about the present, and then to some extend about the future. So don't feel stuck to old traditions and rituals if you don't like them.
I have no idea how far into the planning process you are, and I am sure several things have already been decided (and as much as people claim it's "your day", if we're being honest, it's also your families' day and your friends' day, and they have some expectations that you just have to fulfill).
But don't stress. Don't worry.
In the end, it has to be about you and your love. It has to be about genuine, beautiful feelings, and everything else is completely and utterly negligible. I mean, I have met you. I know you can have an awesome, happy day, even if just had a good friend pick up a bunch of pizza and some flowers from a grocery store that afternoon.
I hope you are doing well,
Love,
Anne
Anne!!!! you are awesome. Thank you so much for reading my words and offering up your advice. It means a lot to me, and you're totally right... people are so funny about weddings and I definitely have not felt like it was 'my day' despite people repeating that mantra.
Pizza and friends sounds just about perfect right now.
Cheers to you and to marriage :)
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