"and oh, isn't it strange how things can change you? and oh, it's it plain that some things unname you?" (citywide rodeo, the weepies)
lent. day 21. yesterday night i was struck with an overwhelming notion during my time with God that something is about to happen. no specifics. i don't know if it's big or small or life-shattering or inconsequential, but i have had this feeling in my stomach since then that i cannot seem to shake. this morning i almost pulled my car over with heartbreak for people. what's going on? this blog is ineloquent. the only thoughts in my head right now are: why do we get so calloused and numb? who taught us to look the other way? who is telling us how to live? why doesn't common sense win anymore? i am sad. but in a different way than i've been before. prayer has been a struggle lately. not to find time for it, but to know what to say. i'm scared and fearful but i don't know of what and i feel humbled but don't know what step follows. so i'll try to sort through this ache in my stomach. i'll try to sort through the odd new feelings of feeling heartbroken for people. not a person. not a friend. just people.
and a strong inner stuggle on the dynamics of family and regional mentalities.
"where am i today? i wish that i knew...i don't remember one jump or one leap, just quiet steps away from your lead. i'm holding my heart out but clutching it too...we get distracted by the dreams of our own, but nobody's happy while feeling alone. and knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall - and climb, high, to the highest rung to shake fists at the sky. with so much deception, it's hard not to wander away" (reasons why, nickel creek)
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