+something has me (oh) something has me

It is so interesting to be so doubtful for me.
I love control and I love knowing what comes next.

And, admittedly, it’s one of the scariest feelings to feel as though you’re really unattractive on paper. That may actually be okay, because it means I will have to work for what I have, but it is also sad because I feel like for a large part of my life I have worked to make sure the “me on paper” was attractive, appealing, and enticing.

But in the past two years, my resume and my cover letters have been rejected a lot. And it has been a good lesson in how the real world works. All I need is one job, so having lots of jobs not work out is really more logical than not. But it is still unnerving for someone who craves control so much.

This season of lent, God has been picking me apart and trying to get at my need for control, my need for power, and my need to make situations work in a manner of my choosing. I think more than anything God is allowing me to feel what it is to put things in His hands, because left in my hands? I’ll be a nervous wreck. I really don’t have a choice. So there are no congratulations for me, but more of just an understanding that I can’t do this alone (even if I wanted to).

Here’s to never knowing what is coming next!
Even though I thought I could figure it out :)
And that’s a blessing, I’m sure of it!