+i think i'm safer in an airplane

"When you graduate, if look around you and everyone you see looks like you, talks like you, and acts like you, you did not fully take advantage of all that the university had to offer” -Perez

+she was a wreck but he loved her

Oh me oh my, what a restful weekend! Sarah stopped by to visit Lawrence KS all the way from Nashville! What a treat! And just because I'm lazy and have a bit of homework to get to, I will leave photos for your entertainment!

"Live, live, live because you love, love, love, and love will make you give, give, give, and give in when you break, break, break, but you just want to fix yourself, just to break again." -Copeland

+early in the morning, i will celebrate the light

I love that God answers prayers in such direct ways. Not that I don't love the indirect, mysterious ways as well, but isn't it nice to just feel tangible effects sometimes?  Prayers when I'm weeping and at my wits end about so many different things, nonetheless. This weekend has been rough on me, remembering what I have left behind and frustrated that I need technology to connect.

Then I came home, a heap of a mess of a person, knowing I just needed to suck it up and be stronger and found this at my door (oh! the details.):

+and this is our reward for being brave, for doing what was right and never playing it safe

Phones are not the same as face time.
Letters are not the same as seeing someone's facial reaction.
Skype is not a good substitution for hugging.

We're one month in and I'm feeling a little pouty and temper-tantrum-y about my geographic distance in relation to the good friends who know me best.

Time, Heather, and you will have people who know you that well again.

"I called you up and we talked all night ranting and raving how it wasn't right, how geography makes love so hard, it's oh so cruel to be oh so far." -Straylight Run

+enjoy the chance of frozen new grounds, everything's odd with beautiful sounds

Cooperative living is such a blessing. I was sort of hesitant at first at what it would look like to be 22 and living with 50 undergraduate women, sharing all our common spaces like the laundry room and the kitchen and the living room. I sort of felt somewhat entitled to finally be taking care of my own place with my own grocery list and my own cleaning chores. But what I have been placed into is nothing less than a God given gift.

Let me give you an idea of my given day living in this sort of environment. When I wake up, I get ready and head down to the kitchen. Typically there are several sleepy, waking up ladies fixing themselves breakfast. I grab an industrial case of oatmeal and whip up a batch and brew a pot of coffee for whoever would like it after I leave. I sit and talk, which feels like family breakfast time. The school has delivered several newspapers if I wanted to read them. I wash my dishes and put them on the drying rack and off I go to work. My office is next door, so my commute is a two minute walk, which makes for the ability to actually get the rest I need and be ready to start the day.

When lunch rolls around and I come back to the hall, there are always a bunch of ladies in the living room talking or studying. There is another girl vacuuming the hallways. Then there's a hot lunch waiting downstairs prepared by none other than one of the girls in the hall. The same is true for dinner, but this time, the main cook pushes a button which buzzes all the rooms to alert them that dinner is ready. Two hot meals a day complete with fruits and veggies and super wonderful desserts. All purchased from local vendors around Lawrence.

Tonight, I walked in after a long day of work and meeting and night class to a freshly mopped kitchen floor, all the chairs put up. The hall smelled clean. Leftovers were in tupperware containers in the fridge. A couple of girls were restocking the cereal bins and lights were out.

I walked down the hall to my apartment and several girls asked about my day and I about theirs. I've met their boyfriends, watched them study, cook, clean, and play. This is week 2 of them being back. Are you kidding me? This feels like home and I never expected it to be this smooth of a transition.

+there's another new world, at the top of the world, for whoever can break through the ice

I am currently under the weather.  So, should be sleeping and not blogging. But laying in my bed counts as resting, right? Good.

Best lesson of my week? I have been thinking small for a long long time. Smaller than I realized. Small scale, small long-term, small perspective, small community, small results. Small is safe. Having small goals and small expectations leads to lots of small victories. And gosh you know how I love those details. I thrive on a small scale and I have been happy and thriving.

But realizing what thinking big is about makes me constantly live in the "I'm Terrified Oh My Gosh" and the "I'm Energized and Empowered." When I tell my supervisor this he just smiles and nods knowingly. It's one thing to think Big and another thing to act Big. And when you have Big resources in a Big place with students who are thinking Big? Big risks. Big picture. Big goals. Big expectations. Big victories. But, being who I am I don't see the lights of "Big Victories" quite as much as I see those of "Big Failure." So it makes sense. Cause I'd rather have a small failure than a big failure.

So, meet the new Kansas-version-Heather: half-scared-senseless, half-energized-like-never-before. :)

+so lets run lets run lets run

Just missin this guy a lot today...

+i broke down the other day, yeah you know some things in life they change

The other day at training we had a morning long workshop of sorts on "diversity training" and the difference between multicultural education and social justice. Being from Alabama where we talk the talk of diversity a lot but there was never really much of the practical, this was an interesting session. Because I never really thought of learning about someone's culture and someone's social issues as being all part of the same thing - something that makes our whole group very diverse.

My daily struggle being at a big state school is that diversity talk is not just talk. It is the person sitting next to me, my supervisor, my staff, my administrators, everyone. There really are not that many people who ascribe to the same religion as me, who believe the same things, who want and desire the same things for their life, or who were raised in the environment I was. I know, I know, this isn't shocking, is it? But it is. I come from Bible Belt Suburban Alabama, then ventured to Southern Christian Private University, and now for the first time am in Diverse Midwestern Public University. A jump and a leap.

But, as I was telling Sarah tonight, as much as I miss my roots and my Christian heritage being emphasized above all other things, I love this newness and this shaking up of my beliefs to really test who I am and what I know. I would say that the day to day doesn't even seem lonely, because I have my personal relationship with Christ. But it is a lot more of me saying "Hey God, show me how to react to this. Show me how to interact with people. Is this okay? Do you like this? Are you okay with this? Show me, tell me, teach me."

But also, I would say that there is a palpable discomfort that comes with each new topic. I know this newness will subside and I will tackle my own beliefs head on. There is something to be said for toppling my comfort zones on my head and really wrestling with things all over again.

Diversity to me now looks more like... speaking different languages, identifying with multiple racial backgrounds, having parents who were present/not-present, having generations of family go to college/not-go-to-college, dealing with issues relating to homosexuality, gender identification, dealing with family issues of alcoholism, abuse, or incarceration, recovering from addictions, being a survivor, and more. Not your average diversity talk.

I'm energized and drained.
I'm excited and terrified.
I'm open minded and not sure who to trust.
I'm thankful and exhausted.

+love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, baby, only one makes you free

At the lovely age of 22 I realize that maybe I do not have to feel hurt anymore. People come and people go in my life and I should stop taking such ownership over every single friendship-lost. I have, for so long, felt personally responsible daily for any gap in communication or connection in relationships. It is exhausting and has drained my loyal friends of energy I am certain.

But I do not have to feel like it is my fault they are gone. If I did everything I could do. If I said everything I could say. If I cared as much as I can care. There always has to be 2 people to a relationship to make it work. And me being the 1 of the 2 just does not cut it.

Dwelling is hurting you in the now.
Stop blaming yourself, Heather. There's always a reason.

"Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing / It takes some time to see things through / Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting / we need grace either way. / Hold on to me / I'll hold on to you. / Let's find the beauty of seeing things through. / There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying / It's a vulnerable place to be / Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby / Only one makes you free.... If we go looking for offense, we're going to find it. If we go looking for real love, were going to find it." -Sara Groves

+the current has us now, it's okay, take into account that it's all about to change

7 days fully under my training belt anddddd...

Things I did not expect: learning about bed bugs, constant positivity and encouraging environments, such a focus on students, to be hearing judicial cases, feeling like I grew up without knowing when, having such a dependence on a different city, realizing how different universities can be, loving international students, having to realign so many routinized activities in my life or at least rethinking them.

here's to 12 more! :)

edit: 8/4/10 is it too soon to say that I feel like I fit here?? Like a piece of a puzzle. And that I cannot name a location where I would feel more at home? God has me here for a reason, and I'm living in the unknowns.