+support, patience, and a new love for twizzlers

There are so many life lessons and emotions I want to express from the race, and I know a couple of you are awaiting a report! I have been thinking about how I would write about this experience a lot, but for some reason I can't come up with anything more poetic than just explaining a couple of the things I have been mulling over since I stepped across the finish line. The memories I made are unforgettable, and I know I will tell stories for a long, long time.

Humility: the smallest nuance can hurt the body. Bodies can also bounce back from almost anything. On mile 7 my left knee hurt so much I wanted to stop altogether. I stopped for a second to stretch it and it hurt more, so I just pushed through and hoped for the best. By mile 11 it seemed like the running ironed it out, and I was good to go, but...11 miles takes almost 2 hours, so that's a lot of humility. I became okay with the concept of walking or stopping, but in the end, didn't need to, and that, in and of itself is humbling beyond belief.

Patience: This race had the first 13.1 miles together with the 5Kers, Half-Marathoners and Marathoners. That means for 3.1 miles the course was packed. The first 13.1 miles was pretty lively/crowded as well. The last 13.1 miles were lonely and sparse. It also means that the first half of the run was full of faster paced runners. I have been told time and time again to not start out too fast. I started out faster than I did in training. I had to remember that I needed to slow down. Tell a competitive gal she has to slow down even though she's feeling great? That's rough. A constant battle to... slow down? But it was needed, and it took me forcing myself to be patient to conserve energy for those later miles.

Smiling: My concerted goal was to live for the human connection. Yes, I appreciated Josh Ritter, Kanye West, and Carole King singing sweet tunes in my ears (yes, my musical taste is odd and diverse) but my goal was to smile at every runner (the course had lots of turn arounds) and to try and thank every fan on the sides. I love this sort of focus... constantly smiling and appreciative. I intentially got myself a shirt that says, "Run Happy" and tried to live up to the slogan during every step -- no pain was too bad to not keep on smiling, nothing would get me down! And to the poor souls who ran behind or around me from miles 21 to 26.2-- I am sorry, but fist-pumping and singing along to music is what I needed to do for me :)

You Can't Do It Alone: (see: Humility): I shamelessly blogged and tweeted and facebooked my training journey. I couldn't have done so much of the training if not for those "likes" and "wow's" and "way to go's!" I felt silly sometimes, or like I was oversharing, but it was the people in my life that kept me going. I loved it that my men and women in my halls would look for me in the kitchen before they looked for me in my room or office because they knew that I was "probably just eating again" (so true). I also could not have asked for more supportive friends. College students and friends who willingly cleared their schedules to stand outside at 8:00 AM on a freezing cold November morning to smile, cheer me on, and get me whatever I needed. The text and calls kept me going, as did an amazingly supportive boyfriend from six hundred miles away who was understanding about my time needs to run and just sending me emails and texts and letters and sending his undying support and love. Sisters, brothers in laws, and best friends. WHAT A FAMILY! (and don't get me started on the running store, the blogs, library books, magazine articles, and research in general...)

Attitude: Every early morning, every weekend long run, every food decision, soreness, injury, in everything I had to impose a positive attitude about my training. I told myself from day 1 in July that if there came a day when I complained about my training or about what I was doing, that I needed to stop, because why do something you hate? Nope, I chose it. I knew the time commitment, and I wasn't about to choose to have a negative attitude. (Not to mention, on mile 23, a kind lady handed me a twizzler, and it made me happier than anything in the entire world in that moment!).

I'm sure there's more than that, but for now... picture time :) And if I only knew then what I know now! :)

The last supper before the race was a great mix of grease and carbs as well as Greta and Chris! What could be better?

D'Bronx PIzza in Overland Park, KS

A lovely night's sleep at the Double Tree Hotel - fluffy, comfy bed... and an inability to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time I was so jittery (though we were in bed by 9pm.)

This has been Greta and my's relationship for much of the semester. In Minnesota, Colorado, and now in Kansas. Brushin' our teeth in our PJ's.

A surprise from my most fabulous friends!!! What a GREAT sight to see to start a run!! It was also 29 degrees out - these folks are troopers!

Just jammin' out to some music. I believe this was mile 13 or so.

Admittedly, my eyes were wet with tears at this point. I couldn't stop laughing I was so excited to hit the 26 mile marker, there was a 0.2 mile section through the woods and I knew that at the end was my friends, and the chance to stop moving in perpetual forward motion. I think I started fist pumping after this moment of placing my hand on my heart I was so overwhelmed!

Ahhhh, sweet relief! 4 hours, 33 minutes, and 20 seconds. So proud to be hitting 26.2 miles for the first time!

I believe that smile (grimace) would be a mixture of happiness and not being certain my legs would move.

SO GRATEFUL for this lovely lady's support. She has been with me through every step and every run - from hurting my knee halfway through training and listen to me complain as I walked up the library stairs with her, to all my many many updates on training and eating and EVERYTHING. Listening to my "going to a nutritionist" woes or "visiting the running shop" stories, or even just being my "person I text while I go into this ice bath and hope I don't die."  What an amazing friend and supporter! AND photographer (if you're wondering how I got all these pics of me!)

Ladies from my hall who supported me!! What a lucky boss/hall director to have supporters like these!!

Kelsey and Kelly! Beautiful Minnesotans and supporters who lifted me off my feet :)

Like a kid who just got off her first roller coaster... pain, happiness, disbelief. Oh, what a lovey lovely day!

+i feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down

In the midst of what I can now call the hardest semester of graduate school (or any level of schooling for me thus far), I got to visit Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa with some fabulous friends. I love college campuses. I love the seasons and how you can't get a bad angle of any building. I love the quotes that are engraved into the walls and the intentionality of the design of the lobbies and classrooms and sidewalks. In the past couple of weeks I have seen Columbia University, University of Denver, and Iowa State. It doesn't matter if the school is in the Northeast, the West, or the Midwest, they are all similarly breathtaking in my mind. Ahh, campuses!

+where the research is silent

I think I am going to blame the steady rain and dark skies, but this morning I woke up with a sense of rawness. I feel the need to share what has been on my heart and mind in the past couple of months specifically.  It is something that I have been wrestling with in conversations with friends and in class. So much of my profession and my studies is focused around the concept of privilege. Peggy McIntosh defines it as "an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in every day, but about which I was 'meant' to remain oblivious." (Read her article "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" here. It's a fantastic article that wlll get you thinking.) I know that I have privilege. I know that the resources, education, and environment that I was born into is one that affords me a leg up and an advantage in our culture. I know that I should not feel bad about these aspects of my life, but I also know that I have a responsibility to be a change agent because of them. I have a responsibility because I have been privileged, or blessed (as we like to call it in the South).

If you read through my blog fairly consistently, it is easy to identify my privilege - I have the time to run, the money to travel, the resources to pursue a graduate-level education, and the social capital to allow me to take hold of new experiences and opportunities. My struggle lately has been making sense of my privilege without losing sight of my confidence.

I feel as though I'm running myself thin. As I assess what is making me so worn out a haunting question arises, "Can I ever be impressive when I have so much privilege?" It seems selfish to delve into this question, but here goes. There is an atmosphere of expectation wherever I go. "Of course she has A's in her courses, she went to a fantastic high school, a private college, and her parents value education. Of course she is able to stay healthy and fit because she has the time and money to invest into her wellness because her parents have supported her financially for much of her life. Of course she likes to read and has a penchant for travel, she has the resources to do both. Of course she should be volunteering and investing in others, after all, she's been given so much."

I am worn out. I just want to be impressive. I want to do something that is not expected or assumed that I will do based on where I have come from. I appreciate and value what I have been given, but there is this undying quest to want to be impressive and society telling me "no." So maybe I need to find new outlets and rally behind causes that are not typical of those with similar levels of privilege as me. I just wish our experience was highlighted and directed from time to time. I know there is no "woe is me" or pity that this should induce, but there is a sense of awkwardness or hesitation that comes with admitting who I am and not knowing where to go next. And a sense of exhaustion at trying to show the world that despite where I came from.

I create my day-to-day. I create my goals and I am the one who has the discipline to accomplish them. No amount of background can make day-to-day decisions for me. Right?

The very fact that I am worn out is a privilege, isn't it?? Catch 22.

"What will we do with such knowledge?...it is an open question whether we will choose to use unearned advantage to weaken hidden systems of advantage, and whether we will use any of our arbitrarily awarded power to try to reconstruct power systems on a broader base" (McIntosh, 2006).

+if you need, you need me to be with you, i will follow where you lead

It is hard to adjust to being home and needing to focus on work and teaching and classes. I am so glad that the Tsays were so gracious to let Devon and I stay in New York with them, and grateful that we had safe and smooth travels. I'm also lucky to have a department that considers professional development to be a priority and provided the resources for some of our staff to go to Denver to attend sessions and get connected with other graduate students and professionals at the NASPA IV-W conference.

I am easily distracted by wanting to relive all the memories in pictures, but I do have some work to do yet tonight. So I have uploaded a couple of my favorites, and rest assured there are more to come.


and for fun... Modes of Transportation from this past Thursday to today:
Kailyn's Car, Plane #1, People Mover (airport), Plane #2, Plane #3, Taxi Cab, Subway, Bus, Subway, Taxi Cab, Subway, Subway, Ferry Boat, Subway, Taxi Cab, Plane #4, People Mover, Plane #5, Shuttle Van, Light Rail, Shuttle Van, Plane #6, University Van

Ready to see the city by Boat

Devon and the Tsays

On a quest to see Tina Fey

In awe of the New York Public Library

Denver, Colorado at the NASPA conference with my lady-co-workers.

New colleagues/friends from North Dakota and Colorado who braved the icy streets of Denver together to get our runs in during conference.

+just as long as we're together, we can find a way

My weekend was book-ended with grading papers on one end and hall meetings on the other...and in the pages: a long distance run, 2 huge breakfasts, 1 afternoon baking with the lady friends, 1 book read for Sociology, and 1 paper completely finished for Research on College Students class. (Oh and hung out with the lovely Brianna Mae... shout out to her because she reads this still!)

All to get to a half a year in the making, highly anticipated trip. Seeing my sister and brother in law for the first time in 6 months. And the first time in 4 months to see my handsome boyfriend. Oh, I'm ready. New York City.

+there're so many wars we fought, there's so many things we're not

"One of the more remarkable differences between scholars in this large field today and when I was starting out in the late 1970s is how the work today generates more light than it does heat. When we were in the shock of forces of the time, we cursed the vast darkness and generated a great deal of heat." -Michael A. Olivas, on literature in Higher Education"

What a way to frame it. We "shed light" on topics, but rarely are willing to engage in the heat of a debate. Are understanding and tolerance being chosen over taking a stand and fighting for what we believe in?

When I think of these two elements - light and heat - they produce very different sensory imagery. Light allows you to see, but you can still close your eyes and see darkness. You can bury your head away or wear sunglasses to shade the light. You can buy a blackout curtain for your bedroom to keep out the sunlight, and there are lots of buildings and rooms where you can be completely shut out from light. Heat, however, is a different story. Being a gal who was raised in the South, I can vouch for this. Heat is inescapable. You cannot help but feel heat. It is hard to sleep, you don't feel hungry, and it's all you can think about, all encompassing.

The article that this Olivas quote is taken from is an "open letter" to a well-known reasearcher in the field of higher education. It is a scathing critique which is not all the way fair, but it puts heat in conversation. He doesn't simply shed light and allow the reader to infer. Is his method the best? Maybe not, but gosh, it's a conversation starter. And in the midst of a semester chuck full of research methods and findings, what a refresher, and a good life lesson.

*Olivas, Michael A. "If You Build It, They Will Assess It (or, An Open Letter to George Kuh, with Love and Respect) The Review of Higher Education. Fall 2011, Volume 35, No. 1, pp. 1-15.

+each scene is acted and beautifully crafted, with rhythm and reason that's brilliantly true

I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning, I'm just so giddy and excited. These past couple of weeks of training I have been struggling with a painful right knee. It was more than sore, but did not feel injured. I have a hard time wanting to rest when I know that staying consistent with my mileage will keep me on track.

I read all the books, articles, and studies I could get my hands on. I took an ice bath, iced sore joints, ate more carbs and protein, stretched for longer, wrapped my knee, elevated it while I slept, and took the extra rest I needed.

(At this point, I realize in relation to my last post you may find yourself asking, "Why is she researching running so much, doesn't she have papers to write/research for?"... the answer to your astute question is that this is my graduate school version of procrastination...).

So now I will give you a stream of consciousness of the pre-during-post run (and why this gal's so giddy!):

Pre-18 Miler: My knee has been hurting, I wonder if it will be hurting a couple miles in? Have I had enough water in the last 24 hours? Have I eaten enough food? How cold will it be outside? What if it started to rain on the run? What if I hit a wall and can't get all that distance in? Should I listen to music or to the news? What if I don't complete this run, will that mean that I can't do the marathon and then all this talk and training will be in vain? Why are you such an achievement-oriented person, Heather? What if I don't wake up and run before the sun gets too hot? I've never run over 15 miles before, how am I supposed to do those extra 3 miles? Am I crazy? Am I asking for a big injury? How fast will I go? It's all about positive self-talk, the articles say, so I'm going to believe I can do it. Go, Heather, Go, you're a runner, you can do it! Do I believe in psychological tricks? Or knowing I'm supposed to do them... won't that hinder their ability to be useful?

During 18 Miler: Oh, wow my knee doesn't hurt at all - are these really my legs? How did I get to do this run on such a gorgeous day? This trail is the best ever, large sidewalks and not too many crosses through traffic. Seriously, this day is amazing - crisp air, chilly but not too hard on the lungs. I feel like a runner. I wonder what food I should eat after this. These shoes are supportive. Why aren't my knees hurting now, hasn't it been about 10 miles? Oh my gosh a dead raccoon, my heart almost skipped a beat. This energy replacement goo says I should be eating them with water, but all I have is gatorade, I wonder if I am about to get cramps. I'm not hungry or tired, and it's been 2 hours...am I sure that my body knows that it's currently running? I am running at an eerily consistent speed. Oh wow, when I smile really big I get bursts of energy. Don't they say that smiling takes less muscles? Well if I'm trying to be efficient than I better smile. Oh, it's so fun to smile at oncoming cars and runners, bikers, and walkers, I think I'll keep doing it. I feel so good! How can I be feeling this strong? Mile 17, nice to meet ya.

Post 18 Miler: Must stretch every muscle in the body. What should I eat? Shouldn't my legs be super sore right now? Maybe I'll cook Bacon. Did I just do that (checks GPS tracking)? I guess so. I need to do a load of laundry. Stretching feels good. Or maybe I should make lunch, or go out to eat? Need water. A shower sounds good. About my knee, how did it heal already? I have emails to catch up on. Maybe if I read the book for Sociology this afternoon I can be done with it before Monday, that would be nice. Oh, I forgot to do invoices on Friday, maybe I should start those tonight, no, I should hang out with friends instead. About that food I was going to make, yeah I don't need a shower yet. Water tastes so good! Today was a nice day, I hope the marathon is this pretty. Why can't the marathon be on Thanksgiving day so I could eat yummy T-Day food then? An omelette it is!

And there you have it... a glimpse into my mind. I have no idea if this is the normal runner mentality, but I can tell you that it's my thoughts. As you can hopefully pick up from the pre and during portions? Running serves as a brilliant distraction from what my brain starts thinking about in the post run (oh, work).

+on the way to a life that made sense to what this is

I decided to make very good use of the misnomer that is fall break (if all was fair in love and war, they would put a disclaimer on the academic calendar that says Fall Break* ... *This is not really a break but more of a day or two to realize how much work you have yet to accomplish before the winter holidays and to freak out slightly and then create a strategic plan to get it all done.) What is "good use" you ask? Well, for this lady who is in grad school (and who is staring down the very bright light that is coming from the end of a tunnel) it means resume updating, grading, reading, writing, researching, emailing, planning, meeting, and all those other -ings that sound studious and important. And when my students have asked me how I spent my break, I do say (and mean) that I was in the library or a coffee-shop-made-into-my-work-place the entirety of break.

I would be lying if I said I was not proud of my disciplined nature, but I would also be lying if I said I had the best time ever. However, the little things are always what have made everything worth it. So, thanks to the ever-attached-to-my-hip iPhone, here are some details that I have been chewing on to keep my chuggin'

Best Advice, c/o Kelly Stack.

Catching up with friends. c/o Wheatfields Bakery.

Steak on the grill, red wine, salad with all the fixin's. c/o Chris, The Iowan

Bottled up and Bakeable state of Minnesota souvenirs. c/o Kelsey, The Minnesotan

+but time makes you bolder, children get older, i'm getting older too

I can go on and on about how much I adore my graduate school cohort, but today only served to reaffirm that sentiment. Our fabulous community service chair of HESA, Annie, planned for us to do the Head for the Cure 5K this morning in Lawrence, KS. The race proceeds benefit research on brain cancer. Signing up was right up my alley, and this morning was nothing but fun! I raced at a good pace (24:11) and came in as 8th woman to finish and 3rd for my age group of 20-24. Even more exciting (in my opinion) is that my dear friend Chris also came in 3rd for males 20-24. AND even more exciting than all of that is that Greta finished strong, Maggie finished strong (I believe cutting off 3 or 4 minutes off her PR), and just in general, everyone did well and were optimistic and fun. We celebrated at Wheatfields Bakery post-race. No better way to spend the early morning :)

World famous KU Higher Ed Grad cohort at the start of the race.

Chris and I's medals and certificates.

Proud of our medals and our race times! Also, check out my lovely Brooks' Green Silence shoes - they are laced asymmetrically and this is the first time I have tried to run fast in them, and they succeeded :)

+one more for the stars and eyes of the walls

I call this blog post, "Things I do now that I'm training for a marathon, but things that if I knew they were a part of running I may have not signed up... but oh well!" Long title, but that is exactly what it is. What follows are several snapshots into my life-of-running as of late. I am at Week 12 of marathon training. I have now tackled the half-marathon distance (13.1 miles) 3 times in training!! What a crazy feeling. Last week was my very first 15 mile run and when I finished that mileage, you better believe I got my hands on every plate of food possible. But beyond the amazing volumes of food I have inhaled these past couple of months, here are a few nuances of my running days.

This is an ice bath. It is exactly as the name suggests. A bath of... ice. My legs have decided lately that 2 1/2 + hours of running is too much stress, so they cramp up and get sore. So, I used all the tips and trips of
http://www.runaddicts.net/tips-tricks/ice-bath-therapy-speed-up-recovery-and-enhance-performance

This is my scared pre-bath face. With a hoodie and hot tea.

Post-bath. Very. very. cold. I may also be thinking - how is this a part of my life now?

These are "fuel" for my long distance runs. They are like energy gummy bears, and surprisingly pleasant on the run.

This is the relative amount of water I drink per day to stay hydrated. On the plus side, drinking water also helps to stave old cold-symptoms and help keep your immune system in check, so I haven't gotten sick yet with the season change!

I find myself snapping photos of runs all the time and shamelessly blogging/tweeting/facebooking them. Yes, I am probably oversharing, but wouldn't you? Plus, never underestimate the encouragement that can be found in social networking sites.

I have seen more sunrises and sunsets than I knew was possible. I feel somewhat "one-with-nature" and note all the changes of temperature and sunset/sunrise changes. Comforting in a way. Except when the alarm clock goes off at 4:30am.