+everybody's dancing in the moonlight

"Darling, we're both scared
But where love is, fear won't tread.

All of these friends here agree,
we're right where we should be.

Underneath all your white,
My Lady, My Love, My Bride.

In your darkest hours,
Well, I love you still.
I have and I always will."

-DB

Well, blogging world, I get married in 3 days. I am so happy about that. It's been a long engagement time (in my mind at least) and for the sake of friends and family I'm thrilled for it to finally be here. Greta gets in town this afternoon, follwed by the Minnesotans late this evening. Family tomorrow and more friends by Friday. What a good, good world. I feel covered in prayer and love and support. The vows are written and I think all the logistics we can imagine are finally final.

circa Spring 2008

 

See you on the other side!

+and lately the weather has been so bi-polar, and consequently so have I

"And now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light. And its funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive." (Yep, that's Relient K)

This made me so happy today, so I had to share. This is a photo of a calendar that my sister and brother-in-law gave me as a Christmas gift. It is wonderful and colorful. But everything in this little photo puts a HUGE smile on my face, and so in the spirit of Friday and being positive, I wanted to share with the blog world.

Top left corner? Notes from church this past week. The most freeing night of singing prayers and being loved unconditionally. You probably can't read that tiny print, but it says "Where the presence of God is, there is freedom" (a lesson I have been learning and relearning these past few months. Also it says "God's will and benefits can't be separated, He's the owner." Devon and I both heard the parable our pastor used that night for the first time in our lives, which is a big deal since we both were raised in the church. It's the parable of the owner who allowed tenants to manage his property. They enjoyed the benefits of the property, but forgot that someone else owned it and did not want to fulfill his wishes. The lesson is that God has given us so much, we love the benefits, but we forget that we don't own our lives and so we need to follow God's will. 25 years old and still learning, we are!

Top right corner is my other sister and brother in law's hilarious Christmas card - yes, those are all their pets in an epic photoshopped collage.

The small Wall-E photo? The invitation for MY bachelorette party in less than two weeks planned by my sweet friends Sarah and Kindall.

The bottom left? An invitation to a good friend's wedding that also signifies getting to road trip to Kansas City for barbecue, the best beer in the world, and of course, stopping in to see KU!

The bottom right is our certificate of completion of pre-martial counseling that we'll take with us to get our marriage license on Wednesday.

The monster clips? Gifts from THREE different friends... we are obsessed with these clips and are so appreciative of all the gifts lately... overwhelming and AWESOME.

I am full of energy for the first time in days!!!! Maybe it's just Friday, or maybe it's the chance to just realize how much fun life can be when I stop focusing on the stressful things. And last but not least, a cookie made by Taylor that I just adore... how cute are these?

+true love is not the kind of thing you should turn down, don't ever turn it down

"No longer do we wonder if we're together, we're way past that. And I've already asked her. So in January, we're getting married. She's talkin' to me with her voice down so low I barely hear her, but I know what she's sayin', I understand because my heart and hers are the same. And in January we're gettin' married... I hope that I don't sound too insane when I say there is darkness all around us. I don't feel weak but I do need sometimes for her to protect me and reconnect me to the beauty that I'm missin' and in January we're gettin' married." -Avett Brothers

I am currently just laughing at the ability for either me to be so blind to it, or my friends to be so good to have hidden the stress that lies the month of your wedding. It's a huge event, and for a non-event planner, it's a little like the world is caving in.

Don't worry, I know that everything will be alright. I have had countless friends reassure me so many times I'm sure they are just wishing I'd get a grip. But, the crazy thing about stress when it settles into your subconscious, is that it becomes back aches and jaw soreness and lots of other things that aren't really blog-worthy. Food is hard to eat, there is a constant rush of adrenaline and there is a constant "fight or flight" feeling whenever there is something that pops into my head that should be on the to-do list but I realize isn't on there and then I realize my to-do list is on my couch in my apartment and I freak out more about how I'm going to remember to add it to my to-do list instead of just going to home depot to buy those long-stick matches.

Oh dear. I envy the unemployed bride (if those even exist these days) for just the time to get stuff done, but this has been keeping me validated Kelly's Pre- Wedding Thoughts - I used to think my friend was going bat-crazy, but now I understand her so much more fully!

Cheers to the waning days--now in the teens--of singlehood!

+but time makes you bolder, children get older, i'm getting older, too

This morning I ran and ran and ran through the pouring rain, in my super-fly raincoat and running leggings. There is something so ethereal about the sunrise and rain and the feeling of moving my body so quickly so soon after rising from bed. This evening I sipped hot tea with women friends who let me into glimpses of their lives and help me connect the dots in my own. The day was interspersed with connection and coffee and just full on community. I won't lie, it's awkward sometimes, I have to push myself sometimes, sometimes all I want is a day off, but I never, ever regret a day like today. Not a minute of it.

Devon and I realized that we haven't had a non-planned evening since the New Year began. Friday is our first non-planned night. And most of those plans are just hanging out with friends, so we wouldn't have it any other way... ice cream, dinner, church, board games, tea, counseling, planning. Nothing at all to complain about. This introverted girl is realizing how limiting it is to call myself introverted. Being in community is a thing of habit for me. I have to practice it to get good at it.  A thing of beauty.

+yeah the spotlight, shines upon you

A little shout out to my dear friend Kelly Dellinger. She launched her new business, Kelly Dellinger Events and started out 2013 with a bang! We decided she needed some headshots, but found out today was terribly dreary and freezing cold. We still went... it may have turned into a coffee date instead. But man, she's a beauty of a friend and I'm so proud of her for taking this big risk and new adventure!

+don't let me into this year with an empty heart

Cheers to a new year! This year deserves a highlight (and by highlight I mean way-too-long post). Such highs and lows and stress and rest. I love the pace, but I'm so looking forward to a little less exciting of a year... one of a little less moving, a little less transition. I know that's a tall order to ask of 2013 when 31 days in there's a wedding for Devon and I to put on, but at least we're staying put... in a city we love, with people we love. I don't ever do real resolutions, but I always have a lot of plans/goals already in the works.

A (wild) year in review...

Rang in the New Year in Louisville with my sister and brother-in-law and Devon 

Drove down to Milton, Florida to throw a shower for a childhood friend and her husband

Had another Valentine's Day away from Devon, but nothing is like good women

Devon came to visit the first weekend of March - we played at the zoo and saw the Punch Brothers together

Spring Break celebrating the Jayhawks and visiting Minnesota

Spent many a sleepless night worrying about the job search and flew to Nashville on April 1st to interview for a job... and then got engaged, too!

Finished my Master's Comprehensive Exam and celebrated with my first friend in Kansas, Brianna Mae and more, at Free State Brewery.

Ran a Wizard of Oz themed Half-Marathon and helped train 3 residents for their first full, 2 for their first half and a couple for a 5K!

Graduated from the University of Kansas and walked the hill

Devon helped move me out of my Lawrence, KS home, and I cried like a baby all the way out of town

3 days off (to move) and watched Kindall and Nick get married, then started working for Belmont and the Orientation Council and then a non-stop crazy June of orientation during the week and weddings on the weekend 

Started working at Belmont in ResLife in July

Finally got to visit the Millers in Auburn in July

Helped Kelly and Drew get married in July

Surprise party for Sarah in August

Helped Devon's sister and her husband get married in September

Joined a church family and spent many hours playing catchup with "old" friends in MN, CO, and KS

Took the infamous engagement photos

Had visits from both Kelsey and Greta!

Ran the Chicago Marathon and explored the town with my sister and brother in law, Devon, and James

Spent some time in Memphis, TN with lovely friends/coworkers

Sweet friends threw me a Bridal Shower in Birmingham

Graduated from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and then spent Christmas AND New Years with my fiance and didn't have to travel to see him!

+wandering the gray memorial park, a fleeting beating of hearts

We were up to something today. A fun surprise, to be exact. The icing on the cake? It snowed. Aren't you so curious!? One month...

+joy to the many, joy to the few, and joy to you baby, and joy to me too

I feel like I'm attempting to write a Parenthood episode, the last five minutes of any episode (to be exact). I just can't describe fully the feeling of unconditional love and learning what it's like to be immersed in it. If the wedding is going to feel this good, then I should just go ahead and prepare myself for that feeling your face gets when you smile constantly for too long... that good worn out feeling of happiness. The more I focus my attention on the people that are going to be at our day, the more I get giddy and (admittedly) unstoppably giggly I get.

I get it now, you crazy brides, you. Spending cold nights in with the fiancé, dancing in the living room to the reception playlist, practicing the first kiss with the sparkly heels on, and realizing that you have a new family to sit around and play board games with and to drink fruity cocktails with on fake Christmas Eve... it's all worth the mess of money and drama and details and stress, isn't it?

"Joy to the city, joy to the streets, and joy to you baby, wherever you sleep... tonight, tonight, tonight." -Josh Ritter

+on lessons only being engaged has been able to teach me

Dear Self,

If I could teach you one thing, it would be that you need to accept the love that others are willing to give. You are not above that need. You cannot do it on your own. Repeat, and listen, and don't gloss over that sentence. I will say it again - you cannot do it on your own. Yep, you're right, it is easier. Easier because no one has to feel bad that you cry yourself to sleep or that you feel helpless or distressed. But it is also harder, isn't it? And even though everyone thinks you are put together, what is the benefit of that? You hate it when people aren't genuine... and then that's the very thing you turn around and do? If I could teach you one thing, it's that you're worth loving.

Different people struggle with different lessons. Yours just happens to be letting other people love you. Letting others lessen your load. Letting them enjoy their life by serving you from time to time. And you know you're not a martyr, and you know you're not all that humble. You just like doing things alone. You like your kitchen clean and your bed made. And you have hashed out and re-hashed out how introverted you are, but the irony is that you work best in community. So you are only hurting yourself by giving others a way out and pushing them away. It's not that you do not like them, you just do not like the idea of making them work for you or on something only you care about. But you have got to learn that they want to, that they need to, that you have got to participate in the reciprocity cycle that is called... life. Give a little, get a little, and enjoy the moments that make relationships worth it.

You deeply feel this about all people you interact with... you know they are worth your time, your affection, your care, and your love. So start believing it about yourself.

If what it takes for you to understand is your fiance writing it on your bathroom mirror, then so be it. Read it daily, read it often: you are worth loving.

+and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

A couple of weeks ago at church, my friend Tim gave the message. He referenced a book called The Road Trip That Changed the World by Mark Sayers. The excerpt that he used captured my attention - you know those authors who are able to speak images into words that you just can't ignore? Sayers is that sort of author for me. The excerpt:

"The expanse of highway rolls out before us offering the tantalizing possibility of freedom. The horizon invites us forward, its hidden promise urging us to accelerate into the future. Behind us our pasts and our pains mingle with the exhaust fumes and evaporate into the cooling night air. Ahead the taillights bleed into streaks of color. The telephone poles beat out a rhythm, and almost unconsciously our foot presses the accelorator closer to the floor.

As the speedometer inches higher the act of driving becomes visceral. Flesh and metal become one, the automobile an extension of ourselves, a speeding incarnation of our wills. Yet the thrill of speed and the romance of the open road before us cannot mask the truth that we are lost. We have no map; out here there is no cell phone coverage. The robotic, manufactued voice of the GPS fell silent long ago. All we know is that we don't want to be where we have come from, and we are not sure where we are going. So for now, our home is the road."

So I got the book for my Kindle, not realizing that the content of the book would make my mind-wheels start to turn more than many writing have recently. I highlighted a couple of excerpts and have been discussing it at length with Devon. My first thoughts...

This made me do some self-auditing. Don't I do this? I deserve happiness and a fulfilling job and perfect relationships and gosh, if those things don't happen for me in my timing, don't I tend to initially feel that God is distant? That my faith isn't all that important? Why can't I simply remember that I was not created for this world and my reward and fulfillment will be ten-fold better for eternity rather than for today?

This. Doesn't it make sense? I know for me and my working with college students it's sincerely sad. The way we go about advertising, programming, providing services... we think entertainment and self-actualization. We preach "this will be fun!" "this will serve you in your journey and your career path" "you." "you..." "you!" What if we said "this will be something you must commit a part of yourself to!" or "by pouring your time into this, your reward will be to help a friend! (and you won't get food, money, or a line on your resume!" Sure, we'd get some great students who would buy into it, but the majority of students? No way! They've lived 18-24 years being entertained and told they need to do what is best for them. Oh, who knew it was a cultural shift. 

It is always wise to leave. To enter places that are foreign and uncomfortable. If for no other reason than to realize what we really believe.

Thoughts.