+the more the crowd cheers the less i can hear and they don't really care what i play

I have not blogged much this year. Most of that is due to my recent move to a lovely apartment sans the internet and cable so luxuriously included at Belmont University.

I also have been struggling through on my own and with some close friends about the reality of being done with college and the loneliness that comes with it. I didn't really think I would feel alone. I think a month ago if you would ask me how I would feel about January I would say that I would be sitting around reveling in my independent glory and basking in the warmth and happiness of friends and free-time. Don't get me wrong, I love watching through the first season of glee, movies, cooking and baking, and not really having much on my plate. But I've got to stop being stubborn and admit it's a pretty big transition and it's okay that it isn't going as smoothly as I expected.

That being said, all I've been thinking about lately is the power that anonymity brings. I'm sure this is directly related to not knowing the people around me in my new apartment complex (and how the power that anonymity has on my anxiety) but it spills into other areas as well. I have noticed how much more aggressive I am in a car where no one knows me and how others do the same. Or at work how people become jerks or manipulative through their e-mail correspondence. I know that I use it too. In college it was such a vibrant community where most everyone knew most everyone, correspondence was mostly done in the classroom or face-to-face and I could go a week without driving my car. Now it's all becoming a little more day-to-day and it is fascinating to me.

I just need some prayers thrown my way and my own continued commitment to facing situations head on. Happy Back-to-School time!

+the places and times it was now

One year, my new years resolution is going to be to visit all 50 states in one year. Until then, I'll attempt to look traveled by posting these little maps of states I've been able to visit and explore (and in some cases live). I really enjoy exploring the U.S. even if it is not as romantic as Europe or Africa or Asia, I'll be content with my budget to keep exploring what we have here (for now!).

(If I was attempting to be a major phone company, these maps would not signify that great of coverage.)

2008

2009

+you're the target that i'm aiming at, got to get that message home

The day after Christmas has arrived! Christmas Eve and Christmas were lovely! More description may come in a week or two. For now, our house is bustling with packing, cleaning, and preparing for our flight that leaves early this afternoon for Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It's time to spend the holidays with all of our extended family, who, interestingly all live in the Northeast (somehow we managed to land our family in the deep south).

Much love to you all during the holiday season, and it will be so nice to be back in Nashville as a working woman this time around, instead of a student!

+i can't explain, the state that i'm in, the state of my heart

Thank you for the responses from the last blog! It is nice to hear some answers from people who have been there. I am back in Birmingham and am feeling great about it. Two and a half days in. It feels amazing to have no homework, pending assignments, or things to worry about quite yet. I know those will come with work and interviews, but this break has been very relaxing so far.

Birmingham is such a unique place and I'm reacquainting myself with it for the three or so days we have left here on break.  I've just enjoyed the people. The lack of schedule. And the ability to learn about people. And of course playing Sufjan Stevens non-stop since I got into the car to head home.

Merry Christmas! Pictures from my college graduation!

+nobody said it was easy. oh it's such a shame for us to part.

A blog of questions!! (appropriate for this time of year I feel):

Will I ever use my backpack for school again?
I mean, in graduate school is it acceptable to use backpacks still?
Or do you end up getting professional bags?
Or do you just not have to bring your books to school?

Oh, will I even get into grad school? I just submitted my final applications.
What if they don't like me?
What if I'm too short? (Okay, not a realistic question, but I do wonder it.)

What will it be like to have a diploma in a couple of days?
Do you have to buy a fancy frame for it?
Do you have to hang it up?

Why didn't I think about the fact it would be weird to graduate early?
Why didn't I think about the fact it would be weird to graduate in December?
Why didn't I study abroad?
Why am I always in such a rush?

Why am I so sad to not be an R.A. anymore?
Shouldn't three years be more than enough?
Will I ever have alcohol, candles, or boys in my apartment without feeling like it's against the rules?

How do you say goodbye to friends even if you will see them again?
How do you say goodbye to friends who you may never see again?

What will tomorrow feel like?
Why did yesterday feel so different than today?

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start." -Coldplay

+all we know is distance, we're close and then we run

Oh thank goodness for Grace and Christmas time.
And for praying for contentment in the not-knowing.

The best words spoken to me today:
"We need not have any worry or anxiety, expecting what may come. For Jesus Christ said, 'Be of good courage; I have conquered the world' " (John 16:33)

Yes! This is perspective I need to be reminded of - "Heather, do not worry about your life, Christ has already conquered your entire world."

amen.

+you know the song of long lost cause

"On and on and on we pray, we can break into a bright day,
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy.
On and on and on we go, I don't understand this windy road,
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy."
-Mat Kearney (sorry for the excessive quoting of him lately)

I am now officially an Alpha Sigma Tau alumna. I am so excited to be here. It has been such a crazy ride in the sorority. Emotional roller coasters to be sure - we're a large group of girls. I'm proud of my commitment and my time in the group and I am so happy that I am at a place of contentment in leaving. So much changes in a group like this - I joined for the older girls and I'm leaving without any one of them still in the organization.

The two pictures are of my freshman year bid day and this current senior year bid day. We have at least 30-40 more girls now. Crazy growth. So awesome. So different. Good bye, AST! And thank you!

 

+why am i holding my breath?

"I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to.
What do you say when it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you.
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart,
No matter how hard you resist it.
It never rains when you want it to.
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So please, please, please forgive me."
-Norah Jones

Chellappa prayed over me today. I haven't been prayed over like that in years. It meant more to me than words can express here. But I felt renewed and now I feel thankful and blessed and I just want to sit and dwell in the presence that is followers of Christ who are diligently seeking.

Thank you for teaching me the lessons no one else could possibly.
Thank you for reaching out to me and getting past my stubbornness.
You alone are capable of such a arduous feat. You alone notice.

+it's a wordle!

+oh and i don't love you but i always will

It's hard to express to people that sometimes the best synonym for my stress lately is heart ache. I am fortunate to have a couple of people in my life who let me sit and talk and cry and dwell and work through some of this hurt I feel, but I am sure no one goes without this feeling at least a couple hundred times in their life.

I take things too personally, sure. I am very emotional, I agree. I analyze and over-analyze and then analyze how my analysis went. As I come to a close of things and in some cases friendships and interactions it breaks my heart to see how relationships are left, how people choose to handle simple situations that pose an opportunity for beauty and encouragement and are capable of making the situations toxic, disheartening, and troublesome. I am pretty weary from things and people and situations and events... school is school and is a weird stress level that doesn''t really phase me. It's the people (as it has always been the people) who get to the core of where my aches lie.

Prayer, prayer, prayer, that's really all and ever there is to do.