+don't let me into this year with an empty heart

Cheers to a new year! This year deserves a highlight (and by highlight I mean way-too-long post). Such highs and lows and stress and rest. I love the pace, but I'm so looking forward to a little less exciting of a year... one of a little less moving, a little less transition. I know that's a tall order to ask of 2013 when 31 days in there's a wedding for Devon and I to put on, but at least we're staying put... in a city we love, with people we love. I don't ever do real resolutions, but I always have a lot of plans/goals already in the works.

A (wild) year in review...

Rang in the New Year in Louisville with my sister and brother-in-law and Devon 

Drove down to Milton, Florida to throw a shower for a childhood friend and her husband

Had another Valentine's Day away from Devon, but nothing is like good women

Devon came to visit the first weekend of March - we played at the zoo and saw the Punch Brothers together

Spring Break celebrating the Jayhawks and visiting Minnesota

Spent many a sleepless night worrying about the job search and flew to Nashville on April 1st to interview for a job... and then got engaged, too!

Finished my Master's Comprehensive Exam and celebrated with my first friend in Kansas, Brianna Mae and more, at Free State Brewery.

Ran a Wizard of Oz themed Half-Marathon and helped train 3 residents for their first full, 2 for their first half and a couple for a 5K!

Graduated from the University of Kansas and walked the hill

Devon helped move me out of my Lawrence, KS home, and I cried like a baby all the way out of town

3 days off (to move) and watched Kindall and Nick get married, then started working for Belmont and the Orientation Council and then a non-stop crazy June of orientation during the week and weddings on the weekend 

Started working at Belmont in ResLife in July

Finally got to visit the Millers in Auburn in July

Helped Kelly and Drew get married in July

Surprise party for Sarah in August

Helped Devon's sister and her husband get married in September

Joined a church family and spent many hours playing catchup with "old" friends in MN, CO, and KS

Took the infamous engagement photos

Had visits from both Kelsey and Greta!

Ran the Chicago Marathon and explored the town with my sister and brother in law, Devon, and James

Spent some time in Memphis, TN with lovely friends/coworkers

Sweet friends threw me a Bridal Shower in Birmingham

Graduated from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and then spent Christmas AND New Years with my fiance and didn't have to travel to see him!

+wandering the gray memorial park, a fleeting beating of hearts

We were up to something today. A fun surprise, to be exact. The icing on the cake? It snowed. Aren't you so curious!? One month...

+joy to the many, joy to the few, and joy to you baby, and joy to me too

I feel like I'm attempting to write a Parenthood episode, the last five minutes of any episode (to be exact). I just can't describe fully the feeling of unconditional love and learning what it's like to be immersed in it. If the wedding is going to feel this good, then I should just go ahead and prepare myself for that feeling your face gets when you smile constantly for too long... that good worn out feeling of happiness. The more I focus my attention on the people that are going to be at our day, the more I get giddy and (admittedly) unstoppably giggly I get.

I get it now, you crazy brides, you. Spending cold nights in with the fiancé, dancing in the living room to the reception playlist, practicing the first kiss with the sparkly heels on, and realizing that you have a new family to sit around and play board games with and to drink fruity cocktails with on fake Christmas Eve... it's all worth the mess of money and drama and details and stress, isn't it?

"Joy to the city, joy to the streets, and joy to you baby, wherever you sleep... tonight, tonight, tonight." -Josh Ritter

+on lessons only being engaged has been able to teach me

Dear Self,

If I could teach you one thing, it would be that you need to accept the love that others are willing to give. You are not above that need. You cannot do it on your own. Repeat, and listen, and don't gloss over that sentence. I will say it again - you cannot do it on your own. Yep, you're right, it is easier. Easier because no one has to feel bad that you cry yourself to sleep or that you feel helpless or distressed. But it is also harder, isn't it? And even though everyone thinks you are put together, what is the benefit of that? You hate it when people aren't genuine... and then that's the very thing you turn around and do? If I could teach you one thing, it's that you're worth loving.

Different people struggle with different lessons. Yours just happens to be letting other people love you. Letting others lessen your load. Letting them enjoy their life by serving you from time to time. And you know you're not a martyr, and you know you're not all that humble. You just like doing things alone. You like your kitchen clean and your bed made. And you have hashed out and re-hashed out how introverted you are, but the irony is that you work best in community. So you are only hurting yourself by giving others a way out and pushing them away. It's not that you do not like them, you just do not like the idea of making them work for you or on something only you care about. But you have got to learn that they want to, that they need to, that you have got to participate in the reciprocity cycle that is called... life. Give a little, get a little, and enjoy the moments that make relationships worth it.

You deeply feel this about all people you interact with... you know they are worth your time, your affection, your care, and your love. So start believing it about yourself.

If what it takes for you to understand is your fiance writing it on your bathroom mirror, then so be it. Read it daily, read it often: you are worth loving.

+and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

A couple of weeks ago at church, my friend Tim gave the message. He referenced a book called The Road Trip That Changed the World by Mark Sayers. The excerpt that he used captured my attention - you know those authors who are able to speak images into words that you just can't ignore? Sayers is that sort of author for me. The excerpt:

"The expanse of highway rolls out before us offering the tantalizing possibility of freedom. The horizon invites us forward, its hidden promise urging us to accelerate into the future. Behind us our pasts and our pains mingle with the exhaust fumes and evaporate into the cooling night air. Ahead the taillights bleed into streaks of color. The telephone poles beat out a rhythm, and almost unconsciously our foot presses the accelorator closer to the floor.

As the speedometer inches higher the act of driving becomes visceral. Flesh and metal become one, the automobile an extension of ourselves, a speeding incarnation of our wills. Yet the thrill of speed and the romance of the open road before us cannot mask the truth that we are lost. We have no map; out here there is no cell phone coverage. The robotic, manufactued voice of the GPS fell silent long ago. All we know is that we don't want to be where we have come from, and we are not sure where we are going. So for now, our home is the road."

So I got the book for my Kindle, not realizing that the content of the book would make my mind-wheels start to turn more than many writing have recently. I highlighted a couple of excerpts and have been discussing it at length with Devon. My first thoughts...

This made me do some self-auditing. Don't I do this? I deserve happiness and a fulfilling job and perfect relationships and gosh, if those things don't happen for me in my timing, don't I tend to initially feel that God is distant? That my faith isn't all that important? Why can't I simply remember that I was not created for this world and my reward and fulfillment will be ten-fold better for eternity rather than for today?

This. Doesn't it make sense? I know for me and my working with college students it's sincerely sad. The way we go about advertising, programming, providing services... we think entertainment and self-actualization. We preach "this will be fun!" "this will serve you in your journey and your career path" "you." "you..." "you!" What if we said "this will be something you must commit a part of yourself to!" or "by pouring your time into this, your reward will be to help a friend! (and you won't get food, money, or a line on your resume!" Sure, we'd get some great students who would buy into it, but the majority of students? No way! They've lived 18-24 years being entertained and told they need to do what is best for them. Oh, who knew it was a cultural shift. 

It is always wise to leave. To enter places that are foreign and uncomfortable. If for no other reason than to realize what we really believe.

Thoughts.

+maybe stories are just data with soul (brene brown)

"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends. We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again. And it seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth, the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued." -DC4C

I really thought that all of the sudden some day it would hit me - that I would be a gal who was in love with wedding planning and being the bride - the attention, the focus on love, the cute crafts that come along with it all. But, I guess this is my confession post that I'm not there. I don't think I'm going to get there. I don't love it. If I could go back to April, I would have forked over the cash for a wedding planner who was in charge of making 98% of the decisions. I don't know if it's just my mood today, but I am worn out with plans and like I am constantly forgetting things.

And then I get a front row seat on friends' pregnancies (and I want a family as soon as we're able) but I see the same process unfolding - the planning, the crafting, the showers, the same fifteen questions... and it makes me want to run away from civilization. I guess it never ends. I just don't know why my stubborn personality can't accept it. I want to be excited and I want to be Mrs. Domestic. I want to be those things, but they just aren't me. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I am fiercely introverted and it's not that I love that part of myself or try to protect it, but it's where I feel most comfortable. I love books and studying and hole-ing up in a library for the better part of a day and then going on a long run. I like sharing my life and finding out about others over coffee and food. That's where my sweet spot is. Small groups. One on one. So large scale, large plans, complexities... these things all baffle my mind a bit. I feel like a leaky faucet these days; constantly feeling upset at responses or family or feeling like I keep letting everyone down with the timeline of our invites, our guest list, our ability to keep every person in the loop, money, time, and the ever-ticking clock letting me know that there is not much time to spare.

I just love Devon. I don't want to complicate it. I like sitting on our couch. I like cooking food. I like walking and talking and dreaming and planning and getting excited about the littlest things and acting like robots and talking in silly accents. I love that we agree that large scale events with thousands of logistical pieces are not either of our strong suits. We are drained. So, I guess it's not every little girl's dream to have a wedding day full of pink and white and glam. And I guess it's okay to never really get there in the planning process. It's so hard to not feel inferior and weird in this culture full of bridal expectations.

The little girl in me just dreams about a hand to hold who loves me dearly through all the ugly I have inside me and gives me a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead until we're old and wrinkly. I don't think anyone told me that that kind of love had to pick out table decorations or how tables would be arranged. I'm starting to embrace my inner-non-bride.

(As an important addendum: I would like to say that those that know me best have been incredible in support and love and I am sure if they are reading this right now they are shouting, "Yes, Heather we hear you and we want to help you, you just need to let us know what to do, already!!" and to you all, I say thank you and I will come around and start to delegate. I am in that If-I-Don't-Like-It-I-Am-Not-Putting-It-On-Loved-Ones phase and sometimes you just need to tell me what you are going to do and not let me help. But thank you x a million. You put up with stubborn me!)

+God only knows where I'd be without you

 Kristine Neeley may just be my all-time favorite photographer. Always has been and probably always will be. Kristine took beautiful pictures of me and Devon after I left Nashville and headed to Kansas. Every time I look at those images I can't help but be wrapped up in all the emotions that are in Devon and my eyes. We were so uncertain back then, but at the same time totally certain. We had no clue what distance would be like for us, we didn't know if it would work or if it would be our relationship's demise. I got so nervous when Kristine offered to take photos of us and put them on her blog - my mind was reeling with questions of what if we broke up? What if we weren't the couple that was headed towards something more serious? All those questions seem like distant memories. Distance worked, guys. It was rough and there were mountains to climb, but here we are, ready to start. With just two months until our wedding, it all seems a little unreal. So OF COURSE Kristine would be the first person we thought of to take our wedding pictures, and engagement pictures. I giggle thinking how self-conscious I was back in 2010 taking pictures together and shouting to people, "No no we're not engaged..." to now... where I proudly smile in confidence of being Devon's wife. What a wild ride, and I'm still blown away that we haven't really even started as a family (I'm shaking my head in disbelief).

A little "then" and "now" montage (I don't feel like we look all that different 2 1/2 years later):

Then: Standing on Heron Hall's steps, where it all began (and just a minute's walk away from where Devon proposed)

Now: at Gentry's in Franklin, TN and being engaged

Then

Now

Then

Now

Then  

Now 

Then

Now

Then

Now 

Now

+and use my head alongside my heart

A post from last Wednesday...

This day was too beautiful to not be outdoors in fresh air... and to be running. A fast-paced six-miler made me feel fresh and new and happy in a way nothing else really can.

Running is still addicting. In case anyone was thinking about how it has been over a month since the marathon and I haven't blogged about running yet. My blog is such a dumping ground of thoughts for me... on my profession, my education, my faith, my friends, my travels, my family. I'm certain it must feel sort of all over the place, but I love it because that is how life is-that is how conversations and relationships are- and that is the human experience as I have know it.

But back to the running. After a race in a big, new city this fall, I'm ready for an homage to a local or at least super-close-to-home year, with a bit more ambitious goals. (Next year you can bet to see me in Minnesota or NYC or Seattle, God and body-willing)

1. Music City Marathon in April (Nashville)
2. Scenic City 1/2 Marathon in May (Chattanooga)
3. Evansville 1/2 Marathon in October (Evansville)
4. Harpeth Hall Flying Monkey Marathon in November (Nashville)

That's the 2013 itinerary. I guess you could consider getting married a mini-marathon scheduled for early February, also in Nashville. My other goals are to be more active with the running groups in town like the East Nasty and to perhaps start my own little running club via my job. I also commit to giving CrossFit a try this year at least once during all the training.

There is something about resolutions (albeit I'm making them in November and not on New Years) that gets my heart beating faster. I still am obsessed with each new season and the new comforts it brings. I thought I loved summer most for its warm nights and sunlight til 9pm. I thought I loved the start of fall where a light jacket was needed and the leaves were in the peak of color. But now I'm falling in love with the start of winter and bundling up and using the gear that keeps me cozy and warm except for the tip of my nose. The sun setting at 6pm doesn't bum me out like I always think it should, it just promotes an early bedtime for an earlier run with the promise of a hot shower and a warm cup of coffee at the end of the workout. Not sure what I would do without the constant companion that running has become, but I know I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other as long as I'm able!

+you're the yellow bird I've been waiting on

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." -James 5:16 (NIV)

Our spirits are made to be tenderly cared for. I would have never said this a year ago or even a couple of months ago. Devon and I have a new church home where we have been going for almost half a year now. Growing up I was a part of a church who cared about my intellectual knowledge of the Bible. I memorized scripture and learned rationale and arguments that could prove why it is that I believe what I do. I enjoyed it, it suited my time in life well. However, never has it been clearer that in the care and maintenance of all that is intellectual, I have neglected the side of me that is the breath of my faith - the spiritual side. Being awakened to the spirit sounds catchy or mystical, but really it is the acknowledgement that every part of my day is a part of something much bigger than myself. Spiritual life for me begins in prayer life, an area where I've never been all too disciplined. Prayers that come from a real place from a person who believes in the power of the creator is a new thing for me. I won't say "sadly" because I just haven't been a part of a genuine community who believes it before. I will say I am counting my lucky stars to embrace it now.

"Show me a place where hope is young and a people who are not afraid to love." Church for me is now a place where there is real love and genuine commitment to relationships. I can't tell you what mission organization we support (but I know we do). I can't tell you what big name speakers are coming into town or a conference we're sponsoring. We are young. In more ways than one. We are a young congregation - we are newly graduated, newly married, newly parents and we're growing. We are journeying through pre-marital counseling and growing through Financial Peace University, with a group to support us through it.  We are uncertain of so many things, but we knew we needed roots.

"This is a call to all the dead and disappointed
The ones who feel like they are done
This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten
But you are not -
Oh, you are not.

We're alive, alive, alive we're singin'
We're alive, alive, alive and we're shaken,
We're alive, alive, alive, alive in You

We are soaked in all the grace that we've been given
Unchained from all that we have done
Your mercy's rising like the sun on the horizon
We're coming home"