+dirt roads and dry land farming may be the death of me, but i can't leave this world behind

"Don't let the pouring rain temper your day by day, don't let the bones the closet may hold get in the way. After a long, dark night, bathe in the morning light. The savior return, the lesson you learn, you'll get it right. This is where we begin. Feels like an ending. Say it with no pretense, I'm tired of pretending. You know the life won't wait, you'll have to make your move. The choices you make, every awful mistake, will try to define you. This will be a totally new year. This will be a totally new year." 

-Matt Pryor

 Steaming hot cups of tea and coffee, refocusing every day on Christ, relationships that fuel my soul, and running for miles and miles and miles. These are the elements of my day.

There is a bit of a spring in my step as of late--not because I know where I'm headed in a couple of months, but because I have lost the need to know. Contradictory to my previous post, I have an eery calm that has settled in. Everything is going to work out just fine. Perhaps not in my timeline, but I know what sort of life I want to live and I know much better how to articulate that now.

In the meantime, I have been loving the depth of friendship that still has yet to be cultivated and still can be cultivated during my time here in Lawrence. I am learning so much from my friends. I am learning so much about Devon still, our distance days are numbered, yes, but that doesn't mean we don't keep getting better at this communication thing. Every day that we talk I feel like we communicate even better. If this is what our relationship can be at a distance, I cannot even begin to imagine how close we'll be when in the same town again.

There you have it. Part 1 and Part 2 of Heather's ramblings on her job search. And oh, how I can't wait or the day I get to explain what that job is. I have found amazing positions in the Nashville area... ones where it's impossible to not see how God has orchestrated things in his timing. God makes it easy to trust Him sometimes. But I'll save that for later. Snap back to reality... Devon visits Kansas this week! There is a spring break ahead of me (last one as a student, for real this time though...) which I believe will take me back to the good state of Minnesota (Minn-eh-soh-tah). My friends are conducting nationwide job searches that I am vicariously living through. I am training for multiple races and coaching some lovely ladies and gents along the way. I still love my schol halls and they are giving me a run for my administrative money (as if that were a phrase). Oh, and then there's taking comprehensive exams and graduating with that baby blue master's hood (!!!). Ramblings ramblings, and end scene.

+know when to stand or when to sit, can't stand to stand, can't stand to sit

"Love is making it's way back home, love is making it's way back home, love is making it's cold, weary way back home." -Josh Ritter

Well, friends, the time has finally hit - I am stressed about the next step for me professionally. I have felt so good to be able to avoid the stress until this point. February 21st, mark it down. I am nervous and uncertain. But I am lucky to have Devon who keeps pointing me back to God's plan for my life and is a constant prayer warrior. He is encouraging me so greatly and allowed me to gain more focus. Like I mention throughout this blog, I'm not big on transition--it rattles me up quite a bit. I'm a gal who likes to plant somewhere and grow some deep roots. I cannot wait for that to become more of a reality, but for now I need to embrace the season of life that I am currently a part of. I will try to keep my thoughts a bit organized and not let the day-to-day drag me down.

As the panel of new professional said yesterday, this cycle continues forever ("there is nothing new under the sun") and it's better to embrace then to run away in fear. Ultimately, I know that wherever I end up by the end of this year will be right where God wants me to be, and that is comforting and calming. Now if I could only remember that on a more regular basis.

+so don't be afraid to let them show

This past weekend I went with a group of 65 students on a diversity retreat called "Colors of KU." I did not know what to expect - the graduate student in me assumed it would be full of lectures and deconstructing media and societal messaging. Instead, the weekend was full of simulations, feeling oppressed, the opportunitiy to give when privileged, and so many lessons in the power of the group. I learned individual stories, met folks I'd never probably meet in other setttings, and gained new perspectives that I won't quickly forget. So happy to have gone, so much to process, even still. I know I've been silent on the blogging front, but that is what has been occupying my thoughts mostly lately!

Colors of KU Family Group

The whole group at Colors of KU, Tall Oaks Conference Center

+figuring out whose team are we on

For my capstone seminar course in grad school, we are readings reflections of student affairs administrators dealing with the civil rights movement and surrounding historical events in the 1960's and 70's. The stories are stirring many emotions within me--I am nervous that I will never live up to the confidence and courageousness of former administrators. Have I already missed opportunities in my halls?  I am excited about the chance to be the advocate for students. Isn't that's why I started down this career path in the first place? Specifically, I have been reading and re-reading these quotes:

"The cafeteria take-over was a learning experience for all of us, but especially for the students, and the university administrators. The students learned how to develop a set of demands and to negotiate a favorable outcome. The university learned to listen to its students and respond to a changing society. And I learned how to be a better administrator and advisor. The experience was valuable to me in other campus experiences and in relationships with students."

"Educating students must go beyond classroom learning. We need to provide well-organized activities where students can debate issues, hold forums, participate in student organizations, and provide feedback to campus leadership. The campus unrest at Oakland provided an opportunity for students to develop leadership skills and become engaged in the life of the campus. It was an opportunity for campus administrators to recognize that students can contribute and make the environment better. Racism still exists toda, although subtler and more silent, it is still as hurtful as it was in the 1960s and 1970s. Students need to be encouraged to talk about race and diversity, and institutions need to go beyond a surface kind of understanding about difference; they need to embrace difference."

Augustine Pounds, Oakland University (1971-1975)

+she knows which birds are singin' and the names of the trees where they're performin' in the mornin

I am about to make my blog private as I enter into job-search time of life again. If you would like to continue to read my blog, I have to add you individually with your email address. I know it is a bit of a hassle, but I feel like it is in my best interest to do so! While there is nothing on my blog that I would not mind a potential employer seeing, there is also no reason to openly have my entire life story since 2008ish out there.

So consider this your.... 2 days notice :)

+and this could take a lifetime, to believe in something true, but I hope that's not what I do

This week has been extraordinarily special so far, so things worth mentioning...

• My sweet friend Kindall Duke got engaged to her well, now fiancee, Nick!
• My presentation proposal (created with a favorite faculty member of mine) was accepted for our professional development day - we'll be talking about values-based time management in a couple week's time!
• A complimentary/encouraging performance evaluation with my supervisor (words and quotes get to me... words of affirmation much?) 
• Buying tickets to see The Punch Brothers here in Lawrence in March... with Devon! Meaning: I get to see Devon before I graduate!! I cannot wait for him to get here. Beyond giddy!
• We (the Minnesotans and I) decided that spring break needs to be spend back in the great state of Minnesota and so I have been dreaming of ice/white lands/Dunn Brothers/accents galore ever since.
• With some Christmas money, I purchased a new pair of Brooks running shoes and registered for the half-marathon in April. I decided that I would rather run the full Chicago Marathon in October (another Devon and Heather adventure-to-a-new-city). So for April, I will be training to run a half for speed. These new shoes get to experience some speed workouts!

+baby i've got a plan, run away as fast as you can

Community! An overused word and a highly talked about topic - especially in college and university land. But, when real community exists, it's hard not to revel in it's power and energy. I have spent the past week or so training, meeting with, leading, being surrounded by, going on runs with, cooking with, baking with, watching TV with, and swimming with friends. Oh friends, family, boyfriend. The photos below are mostly grad school friends and students - the photos don't say enough. Those smiles, those faces, those places... oh, they are getting me through the work and the struggles and lessons that come with taking on new challenges. God is good and has given me so much, and without the risk of just bragging, I would venture to say that community is what we were designed for as humans and that makes my heart smile!

+memory cravings

I get food cravings all the time - this week, it was hot apple pie, perhaps a la mode. Some nights I crave kidney beans, orange slices or McDonald's ice cream. It's always different and I have no clue where they come from. However, I was thinking about these cravings and I realized they don't just happen in regards to food for me. Instead, my brain will flash before me a memory, just a moment in time that I crave to happen all over again. I can remember everything about the moment. They are not big life events like graduating or moving or anything of that nature, they are every-day-ish moments. I figured I would share a couple.

1. I blogged last November about visiting New York and the Tsays with Devon. While there we did many of the touristy things - we saw Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, rode the subways, etc. But the memory that keeps coming up for me from the trip? The last day Devon and I were in town and went out exploring by ourselves. We explored around Rockefellar Plaza again and stumbled on some of the shopping area - it was busy and we did not have any distinct plan, but I somehow conned Devon into going into the American Girl store. American Girls dolls were a big part of my childhood, and it was so crazy to be at the hub of it all. I got to look around and enjoy while constantly being paranoid that Devon was spending his time in a doll shop. He was so loving about it all and smiling so big and happy that I was getting to be a place that held so many memories for me. It was sweet. And that moment keeps replaying in my head. I told you, nothing really that substantial, but that image keeps flashing to the forefront.

2. Another memory that keeps coming back to me is June of the Summer between my Junior and Senior year of college. I had just gotten a new travel mug from a mentor of mine - a really cool mug with writing on it. I decided to wake up before my desk shift and go to Bongo Java for iced coffee and a breakfast sandwich. Instead of staying at the coffee shop, I took my morning fare to the amphitheater at Belmont University. I sat in front of the Bell Tower eating my favorite foods and just soaking in the sun of a Nashville Summer. I had just finished my Senior thesis and I was staring at just one more semester until graduating college. It was a beautiful moment - I journaled, and closed my eyes, and enjoyed the morning.

3. And, while there are MANY more of these little glimpses that pop into my mind, the final one I'll share here is one of just about one year ago this week. I had gotten back to the state of Kansas after the Winter holidays and snow was all over the ground. I was terrified to drive and it was just so bitter cold. My friend Brianna came over to talk and we decided we wanted to go to Free State (restaurant) downtown (about 2 miles away, tops). We looked at each other and shrugged and proceeded to bundle up - scarf, mittens, hats, boots, you name it, we wore it. We then ran...not walked...down the restaurant. We laughed and screamed and made fools of ourselves all in the name of not wanting to drive, but still wanting to be out and about on Mass Street. I remember waking up the next morning with sore abs because we had laughed so hard at ourselves that night.

I'll try to keep up with the memory cravings (or whatever I should call them) as they come. It's important to remember the little things, and maybe that is what my mind is telling me.

As for the food cravings... yeah, I still can't really explain those!

+i'm just waitin' on the sun to close his eyes and call it a night

A little self-reflection that will lead me into 2012.

It is hard to look at your own life and take the time to analyze how you are spending your time and where you are investing your energy. This is why breaks are always difficult for me. While most people dive into Summer, Fall, Thanksgiving, Winter, and Spring break, I always hang back a little from the excitement bandwagon. While, yes, I am relieved to be done with deadlines and pressing matters that come to a head all at once, I know from years of experience, that breaks also mean that I have time to assess my life. 

This is never more true when the days off start becoming full of coffee dates, lunch dates, shopping trips, and catch ups, all with people whose friendships I have so conveniently put on hold while I maintained a busy, achievement-minded lifestyle. I have to then lump all my experiences of the past (insert amount of time since I have seen the person last) into a summary that then gets tailored to the audience - a bit of elaboration here and there, a bit of censorship here and there - and then, the proverbial bow gets smacked on top of my packaged story and I hand it off for that individual to unwrap and think about in the coming months. 

I know that sounds cynical, but those questions get stale... why yes, I am enjoying my time in Kansas, and yes I'm glad I went (if I wasn't glad, how would I even articulate that?) oh, no, I don't know what I'll be doing post-graduation (and yes, I have thought about it, and thank you for suggestions), yes Devon and I are still dating, emphasis on the still, and yes we have been dating for "quite some time now." No, it's not a relief to be done with school after this semester (I love school, and if not the high-cost and low income lifestyle it provides, I would jump right into a doctoral program ASAP). Yes, taking a break is great and yes, I am so lucky to have such a good amount of time off, but no, it's not the best thing ever - I'm an achiever and I like routine and schedules and being able to be productive.

But this is the surface. The shallow exterior questions that everyone asks and that I get jaded in answering. I am good at being genuine and I believe I come across as kind and loving when answering, but I also find myself wanting to hide and not tell anyone where I am or what I am doing, because it feels exhausting to say the same thing over and over. I didn't fully realize this until near the end of break when I was struck with two stark realizations that I've been fighting forever. #1: I am an introvert. #2: I am stubborn.

The first part isn't brand new to me, but it's the first time I have embraced it. The two work hand in hand. I am in a profession that demands more of the extroverted persona - the outgoing people person who has lots of friends and networks and springs to action. An extroverted person feels energized by others, likes large groups, and likes to talk through ideas and problems with others. Oh, but this is anything but me. Which, is sometimes great, because it makes me the leader -- leaders spend a lot of time alone and then come back to the group ready with a plan after reflection and research. That's me, but that means that a lot of times I am lonely. I want to fit into the group and I want to be energized by others. Instead, I am as the definition states - I get energy when I have time to sit with ideas, memories and reactions that are all within my head. I like one on one time or small groups of 2-3 people. I like to have time to reflect and research and plan and I almost prefer ideas to people. "Sometimes introverts like the idea of something better than the real thing." (Definitions taken from the MBTI site).

This is all so true if you overlay it on my break. I love the idea of gathering with friends and sharing my life and being carefree -- sleeping in, eating good food, not making any plans. But, this is not true in real-life. I quickly get drained and I would rather sit and write or read or create something or analyze a tv show or a move or a new music album.

So how does that relate to being stubborn? Well, if you know me that part isn't news to you either. The stubborn part of me believes that I can overcome my introversion, that I can rise above and be some super-human who can be turn the extroversion on when needed and be an introvert just out of preference. The lesson learned this break: I can't. I need to just understand that people are necessary and relationships are vital to my existence and sanity - I should never not make time for them, and it is important to push myself from time to time to be more comfortable with big group settings. However, in a job and in a world where there are many opportunities to be with people I need to set boundaries for myself and schedule alone time to keep my energy levels up.

#1 and #2 are basically the foundation my new years resolutions. I resolve to create a weekly schedule that looks more like who I actually am. As Devon said, 2012 will be the "year that I embrace my introversion". Embracing is the opposite of being stubborn. What does that actually mean? It means that I will schedule more alone time without feeling guilty. I will understand that other people need to find their fuel through large group time, and to engage in those activities from time to time. It also means that when I know I am dreading going to a large-group training or gathering, I need to give myself little pep talks and have a good attitude. It also means opening up to others during those one-on-one times and expressing who I am and what I need out of my day to day (not being stubborn and wanting to be wonder woman). I am excited to be exploring these parts of myself as I look forward to what 2012 will bring. I am excited that I will be able to articulate who I am, especially as I look for my first professional job.

And maybe, if I stop being so stubborn, I'll bring this whole post full circle and say that while I did dread the self-reflection that this break would inevitably bring, those people who I had to share my life with and those who loved on me despite my stubbornness are the ones who taught me so much about myself and gave me ideas and concepts and wisdom for my introverted self to ruminate on for the year. So thanks, everybody.

+keeping the winter at bay

A cute post for the new year? Well alright! Here is a photo of Devon and I on our first official date in June of 2008 and a photo from last week on my last night in town. I love that getting dressed up means a pink dress for me and a white dress shirt with a blue undershirt for Devon... even after 3 1/2 years. Habits.

June 2008

January 2012