+we're alive, alive, alive and we're singing

Kelsey reminded me the other day that identifying yourself as a runner isn't' something you do overnight. Identity is developed and it takes a while to live into the title. After she mentioned it, I started to think about when I decided I was a runner - timely as I sit three days out from running my second marathon.

Surely running regularly over the course of a year or more signifies you're a runner. Or buying five or more running shoes within the year. Or maybe it's the gear - running shorts, the armband, the water bottle attached to the wrist gadget. Maybe it's reading the blogs or talking about it. Maybe, but I don't think so.

To be honest, I still don't exactly feel like a runner. Not most days. That may sound odd, but as I've told some of you that read this, training for a long distance race means three weekdays of running and one long run on the weekend. Calculate that out? 3 days a week where I sit around (okay, sometimes I lift weights, go to pilates or go on a bike ride, but not all that regularly). I know logically that going on long runs every weekend is not what everyone does, but it has become such a part of my life, that it feels sort of... normal. Like I assume everyone does it too. Not in a haughty way, but in the same way you assume everyone you know takes hot showers, has air conditioning, or has enough money to eat. When you're doing something regularly, it becomes second nature. You can get used to anything, can't you?

Is this where identity kicks in? You're studying all the time and going to class and that is your normal so you are suddenly a self-identified student. You have a big party, invite all your friends and family, sign a legal document and now you self-identify as married. Some things may be black and white, I guess - like motherhood, marriage, or age. But some things seem gray - like adulthood, expert-status... oh, I feel like I'm babbling.

Maybe it doesn't ever matter if I self-identify as a runner. I think in most people's eyes I am. It's just a curious topic. And all I can think about is this marathon. Man, I'm ready to get to the start line already... because I'm a runner.

+only love can dig you out of this

A Minnesotan in Tennessee? This is too good to be true! I have never been so excited to have one in town (just wait til February when there are at LEAST 3 Minnesotans in Nashville...). A pictorial account:

Our first venture? Kelsey experiences Frothy Monkey Coffeehouse right after landing in Nashville, TN. 

The real fun begins... painting my apartment. Kelsey and Jessi - the apartment color? Sharkskin.

The end result! (Living Room)

The bedroom color - Balsam

Post painting glory - Free Coffee Day at Krispy Kreme!

and more!

An outing (post-painting, still) to Arrington Vineyards!

A final day downtown - Jacks BBQ and Nashville sight-seeing!

+slow it down [and] come back to bed, rest your arms and rest your legs

• The quarter of a century birthday was fabulous. Simple. Calm. No big hurrah but just how it should be.
• I survived the dentist and ensuing dental work - I may have sounded like I'd gotten involved in a street altercation, but luckily I didn't get a black eye from it. And it turns out my dentist is hilarious and kind.
• The week after the longest run in marathon training (20 miles) is always the hardest week to find motivation to run. This past week and the next two are just tapering weeks. Which is heavenly. More time to lift weights, less mornings of waking up early. More relaxation. And a lot of excitement in anticipation of the moment we get on the road to Chicago. 
• Devon got a new plaid shirt for engagement photos. That is a real sentence in my life lately.
• We registered for a step stool. For me. To reach high places. We scanned it at Bed Bath and Beyond and then Devon did a little jig and hugged me for being a little person. I hope I remember those details when we're old.

+where you invest your love, you invest your life

My week has been rough. In a good way - in a growing way, but we all know that growing pains exist even if they are for the best. Things kept going the wrong way. Timing was wrong or decisions were wrong or conversations were wrong or you name it. There were little bursts of sunshine, like chillin' with Sarah on coffee dates galore. There were the worst of storm clouds like dental visits and getting shots. Then there was just the packed schedule that was this past week. I have felt like I have let others down because of all the things crammed into my days, but I have been earnest and honest and that's all you can really ask.

I realized that there are some things that will always make my day regardless of the week before or the week ahead and those things include: understanding, warm and clean sheets on the bed, the endorphins and food that follow the longest runs, a car full of gas, a kitchen full of food (with fresh-from-the-CSA-of-a-friend-veggies), the start of life groups and learning new lessons (thanks Kristine & Cliff!), parents in town for my birthday, trying new Nashville eateries, and ending a loving night at church around a fire pit - cooking s'mores, poking around at conversation.

+keep your head up, keep your love

When we were young, oh oh, we did enough.
When it got cold, oh oh, we bundled up.
I can't be told, ah ah, it can't be done.

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all,
the opposite of love's indifference.
Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out,
and I won't leave until you come downstairs.

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love-
Keep your head up, my love.
Keep your head up, keep your love.

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love-
Keep your head up, my love.
Keep your head up, keep your love.

-The Lumineers, "Stubborn Love"

+one more for the stars and the eyes of the walls

6:30 AM

It never gets old, this running hobby of mine. The way the sun rises above the horizon on a pre-dawn run. The way that I am in touch with every change of nature - a humid weekend with the promise of storms and rain to wash away the heat. The crisp mornings with dew on the ground and the leaves changing, the wind changing. The way you can know what the weather will be like during the day based on how it was in the early morning. And then there's those night time runs - the ones that help me get everything that bogged me down during the day off my mind. Every step is a step against frustration and stress and confusion. And yes. There are days where I have eaten cake and chinese food and my stomach feels as heavy as a bowling ball. There are days where I haven't slept or had enough water, and those days make for runs that aren't nearly as poetic. But after a day of, a full night's rest, and good food to fuel me there is magic to be had. Shrug. It's just still so good.

8:30 PM

+the new day dawns and I am practicing my purpose once again

"The new day dawns / And I am practicing my purpose once again / It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win / But if I lose / Ooh, I don’t know. / I’ll be tired but I will turn and I will go / Only guessing till I get there then I’ll know / Oh, I will know / All will be well / Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself / All will be well / You can ask me how but only time will tell / The winter’s cold / But the snow still lightly settles on the trees / And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know / That all will be well / Even though sometimes this is hard to tell / And the fight is just as frustrating as hell /All will be well"

-Gabe Dixon Band

The pace has slowed, folks. You don't believe me... but it is true! An 18 mile and 14 mile run this week and a lot of love from the fiancé. Breakfast with the ever lovely Sarah and Kelly the newlywed! Nortons in town and lazy TV watching afternoons. Church and a bachelorette party for Kristin! This week I'm reminded that weather and life and relationships all are a roller coaster. A good, fun roller coaster.

Season 3 of Parenthood came to Netflix so I have been forging through it with Devon, The Grubbs, and by myself. This show always reminds me that family is so much fun. I cannot wait to start building a new one and to continue to connect and reconnect with the one I was born into.

And also - be proud, I have been wedding planning like a good engaged gal should. Figured out wedding favors and Devon set up a catering tasting we registered for nifty, fancy, amazing housewares (ohmygoshsocool!) and I went through a Kelly-made list of things to think about. Progress, folks

I am missing Kansas and grad friends and life as a student. I am still adjusting but I feel poised and rested and ready to be here. And to write vows. And to serve. And to do a good job where I am.

Praises for the progression of time, loving people, and grace. Amazing grace.

+but if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one that can

When people mention "the in-laws" they normally are saying it in a tone that suggests huge amounts of frustration and anxiety and dread. The words annoying, overbearing, suffocating are normally thrown into the mix and just a generalized feeling that is anything but positive. I am not married, so I technically do not have in-laws yet, but whatever you want to call the parents of your husband-to-be... (in-laws-to-be?) stayed with me these past 5 days in my 2-bedroom on-campus apartment. I am lucky to have a great set-up that includes two bedrooms and two bathrooms and enough space to breathe, but in honesty, I didn't know how bumpy sharing breathing space with the 'rents would be, but was absolutley happy to give it a try!

This past weekend was Devon's sister's wedding (a really beautiful one at that!) The wedding was Sunday and that meant good friends and relatives were arriving all the time - sweet Aunts from Colorado, siblings from Utah, friends and family from Oklahoma and Texas, and of course from Indiana. I stopped in to grab lunch on Friday and was greeted by the happiest faces and the hustle and bustle that comes from family being in the same place. I love it! It's so refreshing to have people in and around. I love that my sense of neatness/orderliness doesn't have a problem at all bending to a more relaxed state of being. It is so nice to be surrounded by love, so many of my hang-ups get tossed to the curb. That's how family should be. The parts I don't always love about myself don't last a minute when there is loving, accepting family around me. I loved being able to be helpful, to consider others before myself. I have loved watching Devon and his 5 year old cousin London play together and we have loved dreaming about our own family one day. I have clung to singlehood for so long and have enjoyed the ability to think about me and mine, but I am happy to see how that time has expired. I would rather have too many people in my apartment then to be alone.

I hit the pillow last night sort of sad and bewildered that I was all alone in the apartment. I woke up and made a pot of coffee... for one. I had time to go on a long run. I didn't talk to another soul until 9AM. I miss the stumbling around morning hours and the constant stimulation that being with family provides. Life is better to be lived together. I am ready to have a 6'4 man (Devon) chillin' in my apartment permanently. Grateful that there is joy in getting older.

+i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

I redesigned the blog this week. I am always redesigning it when I feel like there's enough life change to warrant it.

I also... for the first time in 5 years... changed the title of the blog. There have been lots of times in the past few months (where I feel like a large chapters of my life have ended and where new ones are emerging) that I have felt that maybe this blog, too, should close. But, I love it. I love that when I'm in a down mood, I can read back through the past year, two years, heck, back to the beginning of college, and be moved at how far my life has come in those years - relationships, jobs, events, transformations. So it's staying put. I also have wondered if Devon and I should have a mutual catch-you-up-on-us blogs, but it's not for me. I am me. I am a gal who is constantly comparing myself to others (and I know I shouldn't!) and who needs a little space to just be myself. And compare myself to where I've been. And while I know we'll have a journey of our own, I will never stop being myself. And I want this blog to reflect that .

The rhythm in my life is stabilizing. We made headway on wedding plans, I am learning how to cook, and there is farmer's fresh milk in my fridge.

I still am wrestling with being fully myself. I can blame it on working at my alma mater - a place I grew into the person I am today, but surrounded by people who have seen me through my awkward stages. I can blame it on a need to have others' approval and acceptance. I can blame it on my over-analytical brain or on my lack of self-confidence. But, regardless of where the blame is (points finger at self) it is a reality I'm struggling with and leaning on others to help me navigate.

I am excited to see how this blog change and all the many life changes will intersect. Congratulations readers... this blog has no end in sight!

+may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground - carry on

I am so fond of birthdays.  It's Sarah's 23rd birthday and I had to miss 21 and 22 due to being in Kansas. Beyond happy to get to be here this year! What a wonderful woman and a wonderful day - I love how smiley she was in every photo I have. So much love. I hope she feels it!