+i can't see the view from the eyes you look at me through

i've been reading brian mclaren's "everything must change."
i love mclaren.
but this book made me mad, frustrated, i rolled my eyes a few times,
and then decided to accept what he was saying.
but i'm still not really that convinced.
sure, his points are motivating,
but i know a lot of my perceptions are based on the fact that i'm just not there yet.

God hasn't given me a true heart for social injustice yet.
i care about it for a moment but it does not permeate my thoughts or actions.
i sponsor a child from brazil through compassion, but i rarely give him a second thought. doesn't he deserve more of me?

but i WANT to care so badly.
i want to wake up and hear the sentence, "people are starving"
and not just assume i'm expected to get my purse out.
i want to feel what they are feeling.
i want to know the suffering and
i want to feel it in a way that is more than a momentary thought.
i am so frustrated with myself that i cannot grasp the seriousness of the situation.

why did God put me somehwere that i am so blessed?
i helped cash and micah work on their homeless art show for mobile loaves and fishes these past few weeks and the show was last night.
as i looked again at the juxaposition of belmont life to homeless life
it made me feel sick to my stomach.
i cannot believe that being hungry is simply a result
of me not getting around to the food yet.
i cannot believe that being cold is a result
of me being too lazy to get up and adjust the thermostat.

when did i become so complacent?
content?
busy??
i drive by the homeless everyday, and you know what?
instead of noticing them?
i'm probably thinking about my next meal or activity.
how ridiculous.

dear Jesus, please break my heart.
callousness is not healthy.