+and i never thought this life was possible

when i was in high school we had a continuing debate in my english classes of whether or not emotions and feelings and life had to balance. if it was possible to have a perfect utopia. or if there had to be a utopia/dystopia balance. i always was fascinated by this debate and lately i believe that i have come an inch, well, maybe a centimeter closer to understanding how this all works.

when you are in classes. mid-semester. the world crashes around you and you feel like you are doing ten things at once. all you really want is for time to stand still. time enough for you to catch your breath, take a nap, and then start again. so why is it that so many times when you get a break. you get a week off. a day off. that you just end up feeling unproductive and useless. you in some sick way yearn for more busy times. or maybe just that rewarding feeling of getting things done.

no classes. easy job. no responsibilities. good paycheck. good friends around. good staff to work with. amazing possibilities. no way really to be negative. everything lined up like a good sitcom before the conflict occurs. so i lived the first part of my summer awaiting it's downfall. that snag in the plan and that time when all would prove me wrong. but it never came. and i kept waiting. kept tip-toeing. and finally. i decided that i needed to enjoy this time. but by this point i had become so paranoid that i didn't know what was good for me. so cautious and yet so blessed. this utopia must have some balance. some struggle. why? to appreciate it all the more. to realize what we really have.

so i'm excited. i have about three weeks left of my dream world. three weeks left to take deep breaths and appreciate the slow pace that i am immersed in. be grateful, heather. be thankful and appreciative. what good can i do in this time? how can i help others? how can i encourage others? how can i make this time about others since i know that i'll be focused more on myself whether i like it or not when school comes around? what did i want to do this summer? have i done it?

come on, problems. i'm stronger now. i've had time to regain my strength. i'm ready to support. i'm ready to be there. i've had my time.