the last week of our job here at belmont so far has transformed normal conference assistants into the hired moving-furniture help. and i don't just mean moving furniture i mean lifting heavy bed-frames for eight straight hours. so much time to think. and to analyze. and complain. and to get frustrated. and to feel under-appreciated. a lot like load ins or load outs last year. but it's wednesday. mid week. friday night i will be eating dinner at home with the family. and visiting my friends in birmingham. waking up to dad's food and coffee and mom's lists of things to do today. no, it does not make my current work less frustrating, but it does give me a better perspective and a much better attitude.
this morning i woke up quite early and headed to panera. realizing that if i was going to have any sort of social skills i would need some breakfast and time to write. after pouring myself some coffee, i turned around and realized that dr. johnston was doing the very same. after all the criticism that has been lavished upon the department of reslife this week by my co-workers, i was reminded that our dean of students at belmont university is just like me. needs some clarity before the work day begins - spending time alone and thinking is one of the best methods to do so. as small and simple as it seems.
so looking back a little, i laughed as a read a blog that i wrote in the middle of may. it talked about how i am learning to let go and trust others. let them take care of me. here it is almost the beginning of august and i think i am just beginning to understand what that looks like. i started asking more questions and allowing myself to realize that i cannot be independent. but independence is how i have always lived. and i cannot expect this transformation to occur overnight (even though i desperately want that). no it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of talking to God about myself, which is something i neglect to do regularly.
dear God, thank you for the people in my life that challenge me to accept that i am so much more than i give myself credit for. that you are a part of me and that to not like myself would be to degrade your being. Lord, thank you for their persistence. thank you for their time. thank you for the seven people that i talk to on a regular basis who are ALL constantly pointing me back to you and your greatness. who constantly rely on you for your strength. and who constantly show me what it's like to need you. gosh. amen.
"will i ever make it home?
will i ever leave the ground?
leave this place so far behind.
will i ever make it home?
to the place i recognize,
far from here and where i've been
and all the things that i've been shown.
will i ever make it home?
can they keep me here for good?
where i hardly know a soul,
and my fear keeps going on.
weariness keeps growing inside,
my patience is starting to subside,
and i hope i'll be there soon
it can't be long or i'll fall though.
wil i ever make it home, get to where i want to be
find the ones who wait for me,
to the place where i belong?"
(ingram hill)
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